Men are Pigs: Three things every woman should know and understand

I'm about to give you truisms that I've gleaned over the years. By definition they are generalizations and not meant to describe or categorize every individual but I think most of us will find at least a shred of truth that can be applied to our own personalities, behaviors and habits. And it is meant in fun. Despite this brilliantly worded disclaimer it probably will still piss off some people....and I can only say that in all likelihood, if this makes you angry, you probably "resemble that remark" more than you'd like to think. Please direct any death threats directly to myspace owners because it's their fault for letting me in here in the first place.

MEN ARE PIGS

1)MEN DON'T CHANGE - ladies are required to read that again. If he treats you like crap now, he will ALWAYS treat you like crap. ALWAYS!! If he doesn't pick up after himself, he will never pick up after himself. If he picks his nose and then sticks the same hand into the potato chip bag, if he thinks Oprah and The View are a total and complete waste of your time (even when Oprah's skinny or the gang talks about sex), if he tells you you need to lose weight while simultaneously lifting his beer gut so he can loosen his belt cuz his size 40 jeans are getting tight, he is going to do those things or close approximations forever. Enough nagging can create the illusion of change...but that's all it is, an illusion. The only exception to this would be due to a life altering event like a car accident or getting to meet Jenna Jameson or having your Mother In Law live with you. So ladies, if you can't live with the fact that he checks out every tight pair of jeans that walks passed, then don't, because if you try you're just going to make both of you miserable.

2)MEN LOOK AT EVERY PAIR OF TIGHT JEANS THAT WALK PASSED - ladies, at this point, should go back and re-read the last sentence of #1. He does. Read this slowly....he does, even if you are watching him to see if he's looking. If he's any good at it, he can do it without you being able to tell. Barring you covering his eyes or tossing one of the kids in the pool as a distraction, he is going to look. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't think you are fine (my son says I should use the word "hot" and not "fine" here), it doesn't mean he actually WANTS the blonde 18 year old who has an ass you could bounce a dime off of ( this could depend on how much nagging you are doing to try to change him into a human being). He actually cannot help but look. It's not his fault. There are million year old cave man genetics at work here and you've only had your claws in him a few years (my son says the use of "had your claws in him" is very derogatory toward women, but he's never been married). I can hear some of you ladies (and ALL of you men) saying that no looking is being done. Yes it is, but it is better for all involved to take this "see no evil" stance. But the secret (men forgive me) is that men can look one direction and see another. No one is sure if this is a learned ability or more genetics because quite frankly, male scientists don't want to give away the secret and female scientists are not aware of it's existence. This ability, once mastered, is actually quite beneficial to a man's eyesight, thus the saying "she is easy on the eyes." Note for men only: do not admit that you look. your lady is no longer taking me seriously so don't blow it for yourself. Also, do not look and make an excuse. NO EXCUSE will EVER work including the truth herein contained. Denial is almost as bad and can in fact make her angrier. Best response is to simply close your eyes, tilt your head down and shake it disgustedly at her childish jealousy.

#3)MEN DO NOT CARE WHETHER OR NOT THE WOMAN HAS AN ORGASM. I know, "your man" does. Before I get to the details let me ask a question, woman answer first, then men. Picture this: you are running a 102 fever, your nose is running, you can't quit coughing and every time you do green stuff comes up into your mouth. Do you want to have sex? Women? give me a break, right. Men? of course, absolutely, point me to it, it'll make me feel better. Now, honestly, could a creature that answered yes to that question actually care about anybody's sexual satisfaction other than his own?

But he says it's beautiful.

Well, it is beautiful but so is a sunrise and you don't see him getting up extra early to see it, do you. Now if he happens to view it's beauty in the course of doing something he enjoys, say putting on his golf shoes in the parking lot so he can make his t-time, he'll take notice. Men are pigs, but pigs are very intelligent animals.

But he'll stay down there forever just to please me.

Some do, true. But this is really for more selfish reasons. A)he has no intention of giving you an opening to tell him how good a lover Sean (insert any asshole's name)was. B)He needed some quiet time anyway to sort through his Fantasy Baseball team's lineup C)the cable is down and/or the kids are on the computer. D)he wants you to have sex with him again. All perfectly reasonable, but not quite the selfless tongue autuer you believed him to be.

Consider one last thing. What happens if a MAN'S orgasm does not go off without hitch....equipment failure, early release, and the ever dreaded "can you just finish and get off of me for crissakes!!!" . What happens? Apologies all around. Everyone accepting blame and soothing feelings and egos. In other words, failure, incompletion, and no one is satisfied. What happens if a WOMAN does not reach orgasm? NOT A FREAKIN THING. In fact, if he hasn't already, the man still expects his....am I right? She might say something like, "it's ok, I don't need an orgasm to be fullfilled" (ALL men believe this because it means less work). And he might say, "I can keep going, you know." (which may or may not be true depending on when he took his viagra or whether or not lock jaw has set in). But the truth is, he's relieved and she is already thinking of Sean.

Women...this entire blog is just a pile of hooey. Don't believe a word of it. I have only been out the institution for a month and I sometime have these episodes.

Men...don't worry. Women are incapable of accepting these things. Otherwise, why would they keep marrying us?