Five Reasons Not to Have Kids, and 5 Reasons You Should

Having previously established my expertise in the area of children, I thought I would give some insight into the reasons against and for having some of your own. These are not all inclusive lists but they are definitely things you and your significant other should consider before re-populating.

5 Reasons Not to Have Kids

1.) You Can't Do It in the Kitchen - or the living room, or the garage, or on the pool table or anywhere else except in your bedroom with the door locked. Now you may prefer the bedroom, but any spontaneous passion will need to be relocated lest little eyes see daddy doing the same thing to mommy that Fido did to the neighbors French poodle. And that was gross.

2) Changing Diapers with a Hangover - there are no doubt worse things in the world, but you will be hard pressed to think of any while your head is pounding, your stomach churning and the extremely natural smell of baby poo wafts up to overwhelm your senses. You can't wait till you feel better and it's not going to change itself. Your dear spouse, who was so in love with you the night before, has magically vanished leaving only you available for the needed task. This will happen, and you will remember it forever.

3)McDonalds Toys - they are like tribbles (its Star Trek.....go look it up). Tiny terrible toys everywhere. Seemingly self procreating. Every thing that is half way marketed will be a toy in your house....who needs a miniature Tom Cruise in your living room. You will find them everywhere, the sharper ones in the middle of the night with the bottom of your bare foot. Quite simply, they are evil and should be banned.

4)PS2/XBox/GameCube Games are $50 EACH - you can no longer afford to go out to dinner because you have spent all of your money on games that your kids play 3 times and get bored with. The only games they WANT are so violent that your Mom STILL wouldn't let you play them. Fifty dollars so your kids can dismember zombies. Captain Kangaroo just rolled over in his grave. Maybe he's one of the zombies.

5)24/7 Cartoons - There are now at least 5 cable channels that show almost nothing except cartoons. How much Spongebob does a child really need? Apparently, a lot because every single second of recorded time on my DVR is cartoons. I didn't do it, but I discovered the fact while attempting to record the Super Bowl, which I was going to miss. Later, they knew EXACTLY which cartoons I had erased in order to record the game. I was chastised by my nine year old for not talking to him before erasing the same cartoons that were being rerun every other week. Someone, with much more power than I, should leave Spongebob out in the sun.

5 Reasons You Should


1)THEY SMILE WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY AND CRY WHEN THEY ARE SAD - in other words, they are emotionally honest, especially with you. No one deserves that kind of trust, and every parent gets it. It is a huge responsibility, but it will give you purpose and meaning in your life that no job, lover or religion can match.

2)SUGARY CEREALS - Eventually you will feel like an adult or your spouse will force you to behave like one. This entails no longer purchasing SugarMarshmelloCinnamonPops and buying Cardboard Flakes instead. Because they are healthier. But if you have kids, you are allowed to have SugarMarshmelloCinnamonPops in the pantry. They are YOURS for the taking, just don't get caught. And no wonder the kids bounce around like super balls after breakfast.

3)THEY WILL EVENTUALLY BE OLD ENOUGH TO MOW THE YARD - I think this one is self explanatory

4)WATCHING THEM SLEEP - Had a bad day. Life getting you down. Put your kids to bed and then watch them sleep. It's better than valium and you won't feel drowsy

5) HUGS - when they hug you, there is NOTHING wrong in the world. This is a mystical thing, hard to believe until experienced. But when those little arms wrap around your neck and they hug you like their very life depends on it, you suddenly know you will never experience anything more real, more pure, more selfless, more honest the rest of your life. And in that instant nothing else matters....the mortgage, the job, the ex and her boyfriend.....nothing. THIS is reason enough to have children.....