Sometimes the world is on my shoulders. Most of the time. Life is not what I thought it would be at this stage. And for the first time that I can ever remember,
I can't figure out what to do to fix things. Of course, most of the time over the past seven or eight years, the thing I figured out to do to right the ship were only a temporary fix. I think that is because whatever changes i made were surface level. What is called for is a fundamental change. An adjustment to the structure not the covering...to the skeleton not the skin. It's natural to try and do the same things you are comfortable with...with slight adjustments....and think that the overall picture will change. It won't. I have to tear the damn building down so I can get to and fix the foundation. What the hell does that mean. It means total change.....routines, habits, thoughts, viewpoints and so forth. A daunting task. Questions....where to start, how to start, what are the priorities. I have to break down the structure of my life into pieces, identify what and possibly why they are not working, determine what would work better and then, most importantly, put the change into action. Sounds easy on paper (or screen). It won't be. I need to set some timelines, goals and deadlines and stick to them. I need to not fall back into my comfort zone. I need to push forward even when obstacles cross my path. I need to make conscious decisions and make my actions purposeful.
I can't figure out what to do to fix things. Of course, most of the time over the past seven or eight years, the thing I figured out to do to right the ship were only a temporary fix. I think that is because whatever changes i made were surface level. What is called for is a fundamental change. An adjustment to the structure not the covering...to the skeleton not the skin. It's natural to try and do the same things you are comfortable with...with slight adjustments....and think that the overall picture will change. It won't. I have to tear the damn building down so I can get to and fix the foundation. What the hell does that mean. It means total change.....routines, habits, thoughts, viewpoints and so forth. A daunting task. Questions....where to start, how to start, what are the priorities. I have to break down the structure of my life into pieces, identify what and possibly why they are not working, determine what would work better and then, most importantly, put the change into action. Sounds easy on paper (or screen). It won't be. I need to set some timelines, goals and deadlines and stick to them. I need to not fall back into my comfort zone. I need to push forward even when obstacles cross my path. I need to make conscious decisions and make my actions purposeful. I can't do this alone.
And so the first fundamental change is fairly simple. Jesus Christ. I can't think of a better foundation....for me, Kim, the boys.....and I have to believe that once the foundation is layed the structure itself will come naturally. When? Now....of course.
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