It's Been Awhile

All That I Wanted

2008-11-23T00:25:00.004-06:00

All That I Wanted

All that I wanted
was to love you forever.
Be with you always.
Your sounds in my soul.
My love's voice resonating
in your hope and joy.
Love would sustain us.
The years and the tears conquered
by its' constancy.
All that I wanted
was to love you forever.
Longer if I could.

Winter Stain

2008-04-04T22:24:00.003-05:00

Winter Stain
by
TP Sage

Where were you
when I walked lightly
through the winter rain?
My summer skin was covered
by drops of freezing stain.
I wore a cloak of clouded apathy
that dulled the cold
and dulled the pain.
Even though the storm
darkened
my night and morning skies,
I still looked for you in lightning
and listened
for your whispered lies
as the baring winds sang all
your last
and best
goodbyes.

...tell me...

Where were you
when the winter rain
soaked me and my blues sweater?
It stuck to my skin
like cellophane
and
on my back left a deep blues stain.
If you had been there
in the winter rain,
I would have given you
my last blues sweater,
and then,
on your flawless, silken skin,
the soaking rain
would have left
a matching stain.

Paris Rendevous

2007-09-25T13:17:00.000-05:00

BEAUTY:

Paris Rendevous

BEAUTY: bottom's up

2007-08-29T06:10:00.000-05:00

BEAUTY: bottom's up

Smoke Rings

2007-08-11T11:51:00.001-05:00

"Regret for things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for things we did not do that is inconsolable"
Sydney Smith(English Clergyman, Essayist and Wit, 1771-1845)

Smoke Rings

There she stood and I was watching
blue grey smoke rings floating by.
People dancing, laughing, talking
becoming smoke shadows on a distant wall.

I'll say nothing and keep on watching.
Songs will sing themselves to sleep.
Smiles will be the only traces left on the faces
of the painted statues scattered in the room.

I don't dare turn my head away,
smoke clouds would snatch her from my stare.
Lights are dimming, the world is spinning
the night is fading and I'm watching it die.

Now she's gone and she's forgotten.
I only borrowed her to fill a void.
And these aren't tears that stain my eyes,
they're just shadows from the smoke rings
passing me by.

Night Beat

2007-08-01T11:02:00.000-05:00

"Hiding in my room, safe within my womb,
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."
---Paul Simon
From song I Am a RockNight Beat

Alone and walking slowly
The cool touch of the evening breeze
quiet laughter rustles through the trees
half-closed eyes of the city sees
Alone and walking slowly.
The night is comfortable with the noise it brings
telephone calling out with helpless rings
city sounds of silence sings
Alone and walking slowly.
Neon dances to the jungle beat
metallic glass sweats from the faceless heat
lonely candles melt in cold defeat
Alone and walking slowly.
Above it all the moon is crying
mourning what no one knows is dying
eyes are seeing but hearts are lying
Alone and walking slowly.

Grace

2007-05-16T00:24:00.000-05:00

"Grace"

There's the moon asking to stay
Long enough for the clouds to fly me away
Well it's my time coming, i'm not afraid to die
My fading voice sings of love,
But she cries to the clicking of time
Of time

Wait in the fire...

And she weeps on my arm
Walking to the bright lights in sorrow
Oh drink a bit of wine we both might go tomorrow
Oh my love
And the rain is falling and i believe
My time has come
It reminds me of the pain
I might leave
Leave behind

Wait in the fire...

And I feel them drown my name
So easy to know and forget with this kiss
I'm not afraid to go but it goes so slow

---Jeff Buckley

Love is never lonely

2007-05-10T09:14:00.000-05:00

"If the stars should appear
but one night every thousand years
how man would marvel and stare."

---Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love is never lonely

I want to show you rainbows
and feel your soft touch on my cheek
when they bring tears to my eyes.

I want to whisper my love to you in the morning
when everything and everyone sleeps
for silence will not harbor lies.

I want to hear your voice when I'm not with you
as if it were my own thoughts
and love was never alone.

I want to see in your eyes the truth inside me
so that everyday that I question
I can look at you and know.

I want to take your loneliness
and paint it over with bright memories
till only love is in view.

Should the stars appear for just one night every thousand years
I would wait a lonely eternity
to see them with just you.

Don't Look Up

2007-05-09T14:52:00.000-05:00

BEAUTY

Makin Bacon

2007-05-01T21:46:00.000-05:00

Doc Rock and J - A Real Man

2007-04-21T01:49:00.001-05:00

Cup of Coffee

2007-04-03T03:13:00.000-05:00

Originally Posted
Posted April 1, 2007
TP Sage's Mog Page
http://mog.com/TP_Sage/blog_post/58369

Artist: Garbage
Album: Beautiful Garbage
Track: Cup Of Coffee

“Garbage is just a producer’s puppet band”....?!! NO... The Monkeys were a producer's puppet band (and even THEY didn't like it). Garbage is made up of veteran musicians and a charismatic female vocalist who survived the “New Wave” in the 80’s, Grunge in the 90’s, the criticism of their successful band's formation and the nit picking of their popular music. The result…fun, mostly techno-pop songs that are a bit off beat and catchy as hell. Their third album, Beautiful Garbage,

which was released in 2005, should have ended the “assembly-line” criticisms they’ve had to endure. It still has plenty of catchy but there is a nice big dose of unique and shuffling alongside all the bouncy weirdness is a very distinct dark, somber, even morose.

If all they do is copycat…they are damn good at it…everybody from Annie Lennox to Radiohead. Try to get past the big red lipstick and listen for awhile. You might be surprised.

This is my favorite Garbage song on this or any of their albums...

Cup of Coffee.

mog.com

More about this song

lyrics - Garbage Lyrics

lyrics – Garbage Lyrics

* Posted April 01, 2007 |
* Permalink

Doc Rock and J

2007-01-24T00:16:00.000-06:00

Who I Am (for my friend, Laurel)

2007-01-05T23:32:00.000-06:00

Who I am
(for my friend, Laurel)

I opened my eyes to see
there's a little girl inside of me
This isn't who I was going to be
It's only who I am.

I closed my eyes one day.
and grew up, almost all the way
I suppose a grown up is what I must stay
But it's only part of who I am

I opened my heart for all to see
I feel better if who you see is me
Regardless, I will be who I must be
But I will still remember who I am.

Angel Voices

2006-12-23T14:27:00.000-06:00

Angel Voices

They bring warmth
to the coldest of hearts,
dreams to the walking, waking dead,
song to the lips of the freely mute.
They are text book attention deficit,
and not a single pill in sight.
No concept of the harshness of reality,
and thus,
no limitations,
and no understanding that
their limitations will be
their own creation.
They are bald honest emotion,
frayed, exposed nerves
just like your very last one
that they got on.

Can you hear children singing?
Angel voices
Carrying me.
Lfting me up.
Children's voices?
Flying through the air like a car crash,
but settling into our sensablilities like harp music.
Laughter that sticks to your skin
like warm summer rain,
hugs that are truth...
honesty, sincerity in their most pure expression.

And yet,
It terrifies me to look upon them,
for what would I ever do
if they were not there.
Living, breathing, laughing mirrors.
Showing you an incomplete reflection
of what you have been showing them.
Talking to you in your voice.
Reacting to their world from your skin.
They are becoming who you are....
How to get them to become
who you wanted to be?

I hear angels singing.

I'm Afraid to Love You

2006-11-13T01:36:00.000-06:00

I'm Afraid to Love You

Everything is perfect,
and nothing makes sense.
One half-silly smile,
a split second knowing glance
and you've lifted me from the ground,
freed me from the laws of man and earth.

And just because of that,
I'm afraid to love you.

It's not your fault.
Don't blame yourself.
It's me.
I'm afraid for you, and I'm afraid for me,
but I still feel my pulse racing
the instant you appear,
a tingling that starts in my fingertips,
then shoots up my body, a pulsating lightning bolt
that splashes into my mind
and explodes into hot blinding white light.
A buzzing, stomping insistence that I recognize
the affect you have on me.
I'm left short of breath, eyes wide, dizzy
and suddenly, longing for your gentle touch.

Chaos inside
I am everywhere
and nowhere.
I am limitless yet tethered
I am willingly losing control
but the fear balances on my edge...
I cannot lose control, again,
and the confusion makes me afraid.
Afraid to love you.

I know
if I let myself
I would be with you forever
which is much longer than a lifetime.
I would take all my choices, my dreams, my fear
and set them at your feet
my gifts of sacrifice for the only one
for who I would give my life

I would confess to you my joy
and hide in you my pain
for I know that you would view
each with a critical but loving eye,
You understand that I'm not the perfect man
that I pretend to be
you're ok that sometimes
I'm not even up
to being me.
You accept me as I am.
You're the only one.
It feels so right,
which is exactly why
I'm afraid to love you.

Still, I see it in you.
I'm not that blind.
I can see what I'm afraid to see.
You're eyes shine when I talk to you
of simple things.
You're breath catches in your throat
when you've made me smile
I make you laugh. You make me laugh.
At little things and when we're angry.
When I am near you
I feel as though I should sing.
I wish for nothing
except our songs entwined.
I feel you tremble at my lightest touch.
You are a dove
unfearful of my captive embrace.
I belong to you,
and you to me.

Oh God, help me
because that's exactly why
I'm afraid to love you.....

......but I do....

An Honest Mistake

2006-11-06T04:47:00.000-06:00

Good Monday morning to all.

I hope the coffee is hot and the boss is not. I have a poem for you this morning but please bear with me while I cover a few quickie miscellaneous things that are pending or on my mind.

First, if you missed the blogs over the weekend you ought to scroll back and take a look. FREE HUGS is a feel good story that will definitely brighten your day. The other , REALLY ITS JUST A WAY TO GET OUT OF WRITING A BLOG, was a game....the original version, I understand now, was called the Nancy Drew Game. I modified the questions, removing two and adding a personal Haiku and a positive statement about you. I've seen my version 4 or 5 times since then. I won't play the whole game with you at this point if you missed it, but I will do a personalized Haiku if you leave your name in the blog.

Which leads to the second thing. I am going to compile all the Haiku into a blog, separating them with a little mini-profile for each one. It will include whatever icon you are using at the time, a fantasy avatar (usable if you desire sometime), your personal Haiku and another avatar of the animal I chose for you. Feel free to keep it, post it or toss it. That should be later this week.

Third thing. I am entered in the ninth round of Je Rock's Poegasm, a poetry writing contest. I believe I am competing against 8 other poets. Poems will be posted Saturday at Noon, and in the past they've kept the voting open till noon or 2 on Sunday. The idea is to read all the competitors poems and then vote for which you liked the best (mine) at Je's site. I will be revisiting this a lot this week. I am not real good at soliciting friends and/ readers, and I'm certain some of my fellow competitors have friends / reader lists that are 2 and 3 times what mine is......so I will need your vote if I am to advance to the finals

Fourth thing. Do any of you remember the blog I did with the article about Dick Hoyt and his handicapped son? It was an amazing story and the video was something you NEVER forget. Anyhow, that blog received about 3 times as many viewers as my second most viewed blog. Amy, the owner and editor of thebluedoodle.com asked me to post it as my weekly article ( i do a weekly article and also a poem for thebluedoodle.com). Of course I agreed. I posted a link in my stumbleupon blog. Something amazing happened. The story, as posted in thebluedoodle, 8 weeks ago exploded with unique views. Are you sitting down? For most of the 8 weeks, that article page has been receiving around 10,000 hits a day. TEN THOUSAND EVERY DAY. I estimate that it has now been viewed by around 500,000 people. I'll let that sink in. FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND in less than 2 months. Now, I didn't write the article, but to think that I've had a hand in touching the lives of half a million people........well...... Just thinking about it is humbling.

Last thing. If you read my blog and enjoyed something or were touched by something please click on the KUDOS button when you comment. In fact, you can actually ONLY click the kudos button and not write anything (you still have to press submit but the kudos will show up even if there is no actual comment). The KUDOS help in the blog rankings, and the rankings are really the only way that I build new readership....when I manage to slip into the top ten in a category I inevitably add a couple or three readers. Plus, if you don't usually comment, it lets me know that you read that day. If you forget to, or just don't like to....no big deal. I don't take it personally.

Ok....that all lasted way too long. On to the poem....a kinda sad one I'm afraid....written in a different voice, rythm and attitude than you're used to from me. I wasn't stretching....it's just the way it wrote itself. Regardless, I hope you enjoy.

An Honest Mistake

It rained this morning.
I could have sworn
I saw you dancing
in the puddles
water trickling from your hair
like teardrops.

I could have sworn
I heard you laughing
at the thunder
your eyes afire
reflecting the lightning
like mirrors

I thought to join you.
I even looked for our umbrella
but it wasn't where you'd left it
Still, I had to join you.
So I dashed outside
into the rain.

I looked for you beside the puddles
but I didn't see you dancing.
I was puzzled for a moment
Till I remembered that you'd left me
And I remembered you don't love me
anymore

I felt so silly
thinking that I saw you
An honest mistake
I'm sure,
but I stood there beside the puddles
listening for your laughter in the thunder

water trickling from my hair
into my eyes
and down my cheeks
like teardrops.

If that didn't bum you out too much, have a wonderful Monday. Hug somebody. Tell somebody you haven't told in a long time, that you love them. Remember someone fondly. Dream about the beautiful things in your life....still to come.

When I Look at You

2006-10-30T18:06:00.000-06:00

when i look at you

when I look at you
i see an endless universe in your eyes
an infinite unimaginable beauty
that I could touch every day but might never hold
in your eyes i feel a consuming lonliness
a soft hunger, a quiet thirst
an invisible erosion that everyday
silently takes more of you away.
Your lips are silent
but they still whisper
the smouldering hiss of desire,
a pulsing cayenne ember of a passion
that will enflame the heart and mind of any man
fortunate enough to taste of their fire.
I sense, about you, the grey aura of loss
a loss of love, a loss of people, a loss of trust, a loss of belief
they do not belong to you, they belong to the past
and if you cling to them,
you will become what they are
a memory...
I hear the music of your beating heart
a cacophony of sound
cleansing laughter and dancing rain,
the pregnant pause of a tear
the startled joy of exclamation
angry rolling thunder
the caressing whisper of dreams
a symphonic, new age, one woman band
with a string section
and i have fallen in love with the composition.

no...i haven't....it's just a poem

Rain

2006-10-24T02:57:00.000-05:00

I had originally planned something different this morning till I ran across something last night that I just couldn't get out of my head. A flash animation done to a song that most of you will know, though I doubt you've ever heard it sung like this. The link is after the poem. Watching it inspired this poem. You should definitely go take a look. All of it together, the poem, the animation, the song is the intention of this blog. It's not happy stuff, but it all is simple, emotional and strong. None of it is about me, but I'm in it and you will be too.

Rain

If I'm standing in the rain
that's where i want to be.
Can you see me?
Glistening on your skin.
Trickling from your hair.
Why did you turn away
from me?
Just one more touch
like raindrops on my skin.
It's getting cold.
You'd laugh at me if you saw me
soaked and standing in the rain.
I feel it.
I don't need more loss
raining in my eyes all day.
Everyday.
I just need to look into your eyes.
To lose myself in the quiet of your eyes.
You turned away from me.
I'm not what I appear to be
I'm not how you think of me.
I'm more.
There must be more.
If you cut me
I bleed just like you.
Mostly, I do.
I'm on my ledge.
It's not that far to the ground.
Maybe everything will look different
When I get down.
If I'm alone,
It's because I choose to be.
Why can't you see?
Are there raindrops in your eyes
just like me?

creep

take it all

2006-10-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

take it all

things don't mean that much to me

you can't have my thoughts

but you took my mind already

take it all

don't leave anything that reminds me

you can probably leave my heart

it's already empty

take it all

i no longer see you in me

but you can have the vision

there isn't much left to see

take it all

i want nothing but my sanity

there's not much left

so what you have

please return to me

If I Could Write a Love Poem

2006-10-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

If I Could Write a Love Poem

The morning sun would dim with shame

and all the dreamers waken.

The grasses would shed their tears of dew

if I could write a love poem.

The stars would twinkle their last shine

The moon would jump right over the cow.

Both would assume the end is now

if I could write a love poem.

For that would mean I'd found my love

The one whose eyes I see

when mine are closed.

Whose fears I free

just by being near.

I put to paper my endless love

my everlasting devotion.

I wrote the words

that touched her soul.

I wrote my heart,

my life

I wrote for her

my dreams untold.

I would show
my love's depth
and strength
I know

Her eyes would sparkle with happy tears

Her smile outshine the heavens.

It would all be so clear

If I'd said so in a love poem.

Tonight

2006-10-10T09:53:00.000-05:00

Tonight

Years from now

We'll laugh and cry

about foolish mistakes

lonely moments,

and painful happenings

that all had happy endings.

months from now

we'll sing out our love

dance on the tables,

cry in our beer

and dream the dreams

that only love brings.

days from now

we'll wake to the sunshine and the birds

jump naked from the bed

into life

knowing that what we have

is what we want.

Tonight

will last forever

it always does when you're not here.

But, even though when we're apart

time stands still,

love does not.

Gasoline Roses

2006-10-07T02:17:00.000-05:00

http://www.finetune.com/player/embed.html?playlist=p1280692

Don't Wait For Me

2006-09-26T22:49:00.000-05:00

Don't Wait For Me

Don't give your best or worst to me.

It's wasted.

I no longer wear the words you say.

I felt naked within them anyway.

I lost myself along the way

but now I'm finally found.
Don't wait for me.

I have to leave.

Don't plant your tears on me.

I've grown plenty of my own.

You took my heart and mind away from me.

Even my insanity didn't set me free.

It's not the only way to be.

At least that's what I've been told.
So please don't wait for me.

I'm leaving.
It's not love that kept me here

I had no clue, and still don't.

It felt like there was nothing I could do.

I thought that love had blocked my view.

I must have been as sick as you

to watch you melt my soul.

Don't wait for me.

I'm gone.
And please don't ask me why I stayed.

My Real Birthday

2006-09-24T15:42:00.000-05:00

My birth records say I was born March 24, 1958. I didn't have parents until December 1, 1958. I was adopted.

I have spent my entire life NOT thinking about those first 8 or so months of my life. Was I taken care of, loved, nurtured....I don't know. Was I picked up and comforted when I cried, was I ever picked up at all? Did someone cry when I was taken away. Did I know? I will never know the answers to these and other questions.

How have those months impacted my life or have they at all? I know who I am, as much as anybody does. But would I be somebody different had my circumstances been different? My Mom tells me that I was a very happy baby, inquisitive, crawling, responsive. That sounds like a baby who has been in a loving environment, or perhaps a baby freed from a repressive one.

Both of my youngest sons were adopted. Both left the hospital of their birth with their parents. They don't even question where they belong. They know. Despite the difficulties of their parents, they know now, have always known and will always know that they are loved unconditionally and will never lack for affection, understanding and love.

I feel that way about my own life. Did I the first eight months of my life?
I don't know, but I suppose it doesn't matter.
Much.

READ THIS. If you only read one blog this week...READ THIS

2006-09-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

You will not feel the same way about your life after you read this. I promise.

[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]

I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay For their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in Marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a Wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and Pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day.

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back Mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. On a bike. Makes Taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.
This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick Was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him Brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

"He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him And his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an Institution.''

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes Followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the Engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was Anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a Lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed Him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his Head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the School organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want To do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran More than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he Tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore For two weeks.''

That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running, It felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly Shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a Single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few Years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then They found a way to get into the race Officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the Qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he Was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick Tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud Getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you Think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with A cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best Time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world Record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to Be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the Time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.''

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a Mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries Was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' One doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''

And the video is below....

For the sake of a world

2006-09-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

"Say to those whose hearts are frightened;
Be strong, fear not!"
(Isaiah 35:4)

(Blessed are the Peacemakers
A Reflection by Archbishop Wilton Gregory
"How we define the meaning and legacy of September 11th will determine in significant ways the role that our nation plays in shaping a more just and peaceful world. The following questions are among those on which we and others within the Catholic community could reflect as we mark this anniversary and in the days ahead.

How can we pursue "peace on earth," in a world marked by deep divisions, systemic injustice, violence, and underdeveloped international institutions?

How can we reject the profane use of religion to justify violence and instead, working with other churches and religions, reinforce the role of faith as a force for liberation and peace around the world?

What more can be done to develop the tools of nonviolent conflict prevention, conflict resolution and peace building so that we can fulfill our obligation to work for the avoidance of war?

How can nations act together to protect the lives of the innocent, stop genocide and curb fundamental human rights abuses?

How can we respond both to threats of terror and the roots of terror -- denial of human rights and dignity, desperate poverty, hopelessness and hatred?

This anniversary provides an occasion to recover, renew and recommit to the challenge of peace, for much work remains to be done." Excerpts from, "Blessed Are the Peacemakers," Archbishop Wilton Gregory 8/4/2003)

How?

The questions are now three years old. To date, there are no answers.

Except one.

Remember.

For the sake of a world

The mightiest mountain
is reduced to sand
by time, not man.
forgotten.
the majesty of its being
unacknowleged
by the world that follows.
Time eternal.....
reduced to hours
minutes
seconds.
Terror razed the mountains of man
leaving concrete, dreams and....
forever...in place of sand.
Unlike mountains past,
we not only acknowledge thier majesty,
we celebrate their very being
with tears
for the memory
of families lost
and for the sake of a world
that follows.

Soldier Boy

2006-09-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

Soldier Boy

It rained every evening. At first, almost a welcomed cooling, but that feeling always disappeared after the first hour of the four or five hour downpour. Tim and Saul took the rain for granted, like the sun coming up or your buddies getting killed. War makes everything feel equal. Numb.

The rain would come later. Now, the two 19 year old soldiers stood ankle deep in puddles, steam rising from the water like spirits escaping the underworld. Their attention sharp this time of day, late afternoon. "The Killing Time". The time when the enemy, playing on their worn bodies and minds, attacked from everywhere and nowhere. They barely noticed the stench of the rotting jungle, the mosquitoes as large as rats or the various colorful bugs and snakes that randomly fell from above. Trying not to get shot or blown up has that effect. Tunnelvision.

They would not have said two words to each other had they met back in reality. Here, Tim and Saul were best friends. Still, they did not speak as they trudged through the jungle. They could relax when they reached point, and the sun began to set.

Saul led. Senior by two weeks. But senior always led. Saul had a wirey frame, the kind on a kid that you think will someday fill out but never does. He wore a Brooklyn Dodgers baseball cap under his helmet and over thick matted black hair. A pea green t-shirt hung loosely from his bony shoulders, held in place by his heavy vest but still untucked. He wore an unconscious sneer on his face, the by product of years on the Brooklyn streets being cool. He looked Brooklyn, fish-hook nose, dark deep set eyes and black bushy brows. Ruggedly handsome, his girlfriend said. His buddies called it ugly.

Given that he had been in the jungle for a month, Tim appeared as neat and soldierly groomed as could be expected. Nevertheless, his rumpled uniform shirt had buttons undone past where they disappeared under his vest, his reddish blonde hair peaked out in random places from under his helmet and dirt and grime disguised his normally ruddy complexion. Nebraska farm boy with a weeks worth of beard growing on his face. He hated that.

Suddenly, the unmistakable pitter patter of a submachine gun cut through the jungle silence, and continued unbroken forty five degrees to their right. Saul pumped three quick shots with his automatic rifle, then dove into the jungle gook. Tim followed suit.

"Are you nuts," Tim screamed, his voice high pitched from adrenaline. "That could be our guys."

"Shut up, moron," Saul said calmly. "Our guys are in the opposite direction."

Tim belly crawled forward till he lay even with his buddy. They both had rifles in shooting position but did not fire. Instead, they listened. The staccato hum of insects, distant mortar fire, two rapid heart beats, and some very irregular breathing but no more gunfire. Nobody would die today. That had been a goodnight kiss so positions were not advanced. Tim and Saul obliged, staying prone, unmoving for a good hour

Not quite sundown, but on the jungle floor darkness reigned. It took full strength sun to bring light to the lowest levels of the jungle. Saul rolled over, flipped his helmet to the ground and sat on it, his back against a slimy tree. A Marlboro appeared almost magically between his lips, and the darkness vanished for a moment as he snapped his lighter open one handed and lit the cigarette.

Tim moved more reluctantly but finally crawled to a nearby tree and sat. The darkness surrounded them now, but they were not alarmed. It took awhile but their eyes adjusted to the near vacuum of light, and they saw enough of each other to relax. Saul's hands went behind his head for cushion, the stub of another cigarette dangled loosely from his lips and he allowed himself the luxury of imagining himself back at Sharkey's Bar, a girl on each arm.

Tim glanced at his apparently sleeping buddy and shook his head. The guy could sleep anywhere. A stinking bug infested jungle with his butt on a helmet and a cigarette in his mouth and he's asleep. A skill Tim wished he would soon acquire. He hadn't slept more than a few hours a night since he'd been dropped into this sewer.

"Saul. Wake up." Tim said softly. Saul muttered something that sounded like blow it out your kazoo and Tim didn't push the issue, but he wasn't about to be quiet either. "I don't want to kill people, Saul."

The words sat in the air like steam from the puddles. Saul's face was lit slightly by the cigarette and Tim watched as the thin man opened his eyes.

"Nobody, wants to, but you have to. Kill them or they kill you. Capice?"

"That makes no sense, Saul. Why do they want to kill us?"

"There are no reasons, kid. You're gonna screw yourself up looking for answers. It just is," Saul said gruffly and turned his head. They were the same age but somehow Saul seemed a lot older.

"No. No. One minute I'm working in my Da's Gas Station and the next I'm sitting in this toilet of a country. I don't even know why we're here."

Tim could see the cigarette glow brighter for a second, creating enough light that he could see the whites of Sauls eyes as his buddy turned his head. Then, almost a whisper.

"Doesn't matter why we're here. Only thing that matters is that we get out."

They were silent now. Above the jungle the day had given way to night. The stars fought valiantly to be seen but silent clouds moved in front of them blocking their shine. The darkness was complete.

"We should just take off. Go home," one of the young soldiers said, his words almost muffled by the humid air.

"If we got caught, they'd shoot us," the other one said.

"Chances are, we're gonna get shot anyhow."

They both chewed on the words as the mosquitoes bounced off their faces. This time of night had a heaviness to it, as if the air were slowly sinking and settling like mud on their shoulders.

"Maybe you're right."

"Maybe. What if I'm not?"

A gentle rain began to fall. The two soldiers, sitting on the jungle ground, lowered their heads to keep the rain out of their eyes.

I had a bad day today

2006-09-06T18:14:00.000-05:00

Some days just are not good. Some days you just can't seem to react in a positive way to negative things. Happens to us all. I, however, have a built in fix.

I had a bad day today

I had a bad day today.
The alarm clock slept through my waking.
When I checked, there were no biscuits baking.
Clean clothes were seemingly scarce for the taking.
What was I to do?

I had a bad day today.
The computer sent me to my room.
My cell phone wouldn't answer itself so soon.
I just couldn't work through the doom and gloom.
It's not my fault I'm sure.

I had a bad day today.
The little "fix me" light in the car turned red.
I said some words that are not often said.
I made the car drive till it was dead.
Just bad luck I guess.

I had a bad day today, but then
I said somethin silly and my children laughed at me.
I got some hugs and they were totally free.
I held them in my arms and instantly
I had a good day,

A really really good day today.

Samurai Love God

2006-09-01T07:34:00.000-05:00

He comes from a distant erotic land. A mysterious place where the men wear thongs, silk robes and carry their swords unsheathed at all times. A place where the Kama Sutra has sold more copies than Harry Potter. He is the Sensei of Seduction, the Ronin of Romance, the Dalilicky Lama, the Ghandi from Behindi. He is......

Ed Helms.

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeechhhhh...

Huh?

“ Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...er...kimono”

He is the Samurai Love God.

A Comedy Central cartoon (available now on cell phones everywhere) the sake loving, woman pleasing, laughter creating Samurai Love God is a mix of Hugh Hefner and Kung Fu’s David Carradine, with a little Adam West’s Batman and Johnny Wadd’s ....well....wadd added in for balance. The Master of Muff, fast becoming an icon in the blogging world of myspace is blogged by show creator and writer Eric Mahoney (see his interview in Creative Corner Cafe) and voiced by the imperturbable actor/comedian Ed Helms, lately a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and soon to be an new employee in the brilliant television comedy, The Office.

Other voice talent for the characters in the show include, Jenna Jameson (this may be the first time her only talent listed is voice) as the voice of P-Whip, one of Samurai's enemies. The Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli as the voice of Kay-ock-Block, another of samurai's enemies. She's a very funny comedian who has appeared on Jay Leno, Howard Stern and Comedy Central's Roasts of Pamela Anderson and William Shatner. Christian Finnegian does several character voices on the show. Formerly on the Chapelle Show, he can now be seen on VH-1's Best Week Ever. Nick Kroll also does multiple voices for the show, and he also is on The Best Week Ever.
A very talented and diverse cast.

The Samurai Love God has done much for mankind (he is responsible for the “Lingerie For the World” concert to raise money to provide third world nations with crotch less panties, g- strings and push up bras). But perhaps his greatest contribution is the Love Dojo....an elaborate training facility teaching the ancient arts of Love, Sex and everything in between.

With this kind of success, our resident Love God surely must be to occupied to grant a simple interview. But in SLG’s own words, words that are whispered with reverence around the dojo, we start to understand the God behind the myth.
“I'm here for you. For anyone who has ever been slapped silly for suggesting a threesome. I stand up for the little guy, who doesn't feel adequate enough to ask Sun Li Lau for a Happy Ending. I represent the Frat boys, truck drivers, Dungeon and Dragon players, mid-life crisis dudes and anyone else who hasn't gotten laid in awhile. Because you will, horny grasshoppers. You will”

Sounds good enough for us. Sake anyone? ‘

Experiment

2006-09-01T05:46:00.000-05:00

A week or so ago I ran across a writer's website that had creativity jump starters and writing games. One of the things they had was a Random Poem Generator. You just clicked the button and the software wrote a poem. It can't be that easy. Well, I read the poem, and it obviously is not. But I thought it would be interesting to see if I could take what was "created" and make something meaningful out of it without totally rewriting it. As I write this, I haven't edited anything so, just like you, I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

First, the generated poem, and the following that my version. Wish me luck.

Very humming within the mud

All bright within the mud
I smell peaceful faces beyond the mud
I reach! The demon will go
Strange and mournful beside the air
We taste red fears over the mud
Alass, alack! The bitch is dying
Very humming within the mud
I seduce yellow vapors among the tomb
Atone! The night will come
darkening wanting
a long way from home
an empty address book
In whose arms
the refugee
turn aside
not knowing why

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ my version

in the mud

too bright.
in the mud
I smell peace.
on their faces,
beyond my reach,
demons
Strange and mournful besides.
in the air
the taste of red,
of fears.
for the mud
she is dying
within
the mud seducing.
vapors dance among the tombs
The night will come
darkening
wanting
a long way
an empty book
for whose arms
does she
leave my side.

not knowing why

I gotta tell ya....i like it. Might still need a little work but that only took 30 minutes. What do you think? I'm off to make breakfast for my boys. Hope ya'll have a great day.

Change

2006-08-31T09:52:00.000-05:00

When you are young, say 20 something, life as you're living it, seems permanent. Things will always be as they are now, or maybe one big change and then you'll settle in to the path your life was meant to take.

Doesn't really work this way.

As time goes by, everything changes....locations, people, jobs , attitudes and love. It suprises you at first. It seems, each time, like a major turning point....sometimes sliding your life into the groove of your expections, and other times dragging you kicking and screaming away from the visions you've carried, counted on, defined yourself by.

Only after you've survived both several times each does it begin to dawn on you that, even as you are living through these alterations, even as you are adjusting, basking in the glory, grasping at straws, blossoming to your potential or dying on the vine....you've begun to realize that this too will pass. Change will come again, sometimes sooner rather than later. Sometimes joyous. Sometimes painfull. Sometimes by design. Sometimes by pure accident. Almost always challenging,
regardless.

The only thing constant in life.....is change. And the only way to get passed it, is through it.

Axr Video's: Only God Knows Why

2006-08-27T05:50:00.000-05:00

Axr Video's: Only God Knows Why

You Can't Edit a Blank Page

2006-08-26T19:45:00.000-05:00

(--posted in Creative Corner Cafe)

Writing, should be easy.

Writing should be like eating cherry pie and ice cream; savory anticipation followed by joy and wonder at the heavenly, unencumbered yet simple pleasure of the act, and finally, sleepy satisfaction at the inevitable and consistent feeling of well being when done.

Writing is nothing like eating cherry pie and ice cream.
Writing is like eating cabbage....uncooked.....cold.....bitter....cabbage.

"But,I love to write," you say.

Maybe. More likely, you love to READ what you've written, you love to hear how much other people love to read your writing....the actual writing process, probably not. The longer you've been writing, the more truth in this statement. And that is ok. In fact, it's pretty normal. If after 4 or 5 years, writing every single day for at least a couple hours a day you can say you love the process. Maybe you do. There are actually people, so I've heard, that like cabbage. For the rest of us?

Do not be afraid. I know some tricks.

The most difficult part of the writing process, regardless of what you are writing, is sitting down to begin. For the average person there are approximately 2,324 legitimate reasons why you should NOT start. You, however, are creative. Your list of excuses is unlimited. So...

"just do it"

I hate that statement. As far as I can tell it only works for engineers and olympic atheletes. The rest of us are left to our own devices. Here are a couple that have worked for me.

1)Start at the same time every day - this does two things....it creates a habit and fools our subconscious. Good habits are almost as hard to stop as bad. True, it may be difficult to create the habit but your subconcious will be working on the emotional pain of giving up the OC in order to sit down and stare at a stark white blank screen. When the actual time arrives, your conscious excuse making self will have to battle with your emotionally prepared subconcious for your time. The subconcious almost always wins.

2)Reward yourself for completing your writing by a specified time-this is basically the first trick used on the back end. An example, "I will only take my heart medicine if i finish writing by 10:00 PM" If you're like me, you'll quickly figure out when you have to actually start in order to finish by the specified time, and before you know it, you're really just doing number 1. Doesn't matter. Results are all that count.

3)Plan your other activities AROUND your writing schedule-besides the obvious advantages of creating a distraction free writing period, this creates, for your writing, a sense of importance and permanence in your mind. Anything that is important and permanent has a better chance of getting done.

Ok, my brilliant suggestions have gotten you to the computer or your desk or the kitchen table. In front of you is a cloud white totally blank new page. Write. C'mon, you're creative.....WRITE.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if every single time you sat down to write, the words just flowed like a pulitzer prize flowing river. The hard part is that sometimes THEY DO. Sometimes it feels so easy......you're very own personal cherry pie. Those times just make the white screen look even whiter, so white it's blinding you and your brain has developed writing narcolepsy.

So wake it up. Here are some tricks.

1)Free write - for a specified period of time, 5 to 15 minutes, write every single thing that comes to mind and don't stop, don't edit, don't think. Write even if you have to write...."I can't think of anything to write..." over and over again. This basically has the same effect on your creativity that WD40 has on a rusty hinge.....it loosens it up, allows it to move freely with no irritating squeaks and squeals. There are many variations of this, all have the same idea.....get your brain on writing and off THINKING about writing. This works very well for me and may for you, but other people have a harder time with the lack of boundries intrinsic to this drill.

2)Edit something older first - it is always easier to rewrite a sentence to make it better than it is to write the sentence in the first place.....the creative process, however, is necessary for both. It really doesn't matter if this editing is productive, the idea is to release the creative water from your dammed up mind. My thought has always been, why waste the time. Edit a current manuscript or poem or story or blog but keep the original.....just in case.

3)Do a writing excersise - have you seen all the games and contests Mz. B has set up for you on Creative Corner Cafe? Those are ideal exercises. Don't start on your current project. It's too frustrating if things don't flow. Pick a game or contest, write on a random subject, describe someone or something, write about your vacation or your new love or your boil....it doesn't matter what you write. Again, the idea is to loosen up that squeeky creativity hinge.

4)Have a glass of wine or a beer-now I'm not advocating alchohol or anything else as a panacea for writer's block, but every now and then dropping some of those subconcious inhibitions also opens the door to your creativity even if the hinge is still a bit squeeky. I wouldn't recommend this as a regular tool but it's not bad as a last resort.

Now you're ready. You've made it to your writing place, you've unleashed your talent and only time stands between you and that book contract. A couple pieces of advice though. When you first begin on your current piece don't edit as you write. Don't do pure free write, but try your best to let the ideas that you've already formulated spill onto the page, let the characters that you've already created speak for themselves. If you hit a wall, don't try to break it down by banging your head against it.....your head will lose. Go around, climb over.....leave that part blank and move on. You can come back and kick the bejesus out of that wall another time. Now, the idea is to get words on paper.....screen.

Once the words are there, they are able to be edited, fine tuned and polished. But get them there, because as you know...

you can't edit a blank page.

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled.
The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over
and let the beautiful stuff out.

- Ray Bradbury

i walk alone

2006-08-23T18:43:00.000-05:00

i walk alone

I walked alone
while you waited.
I watched the sunset.
you anticipated.
I spoke of a love
my actions negated.
you asked for commitment.
i said it's overrated.

because
i thought you were forever.
i thought you were the sky
or the stars,
or the oceans.
but

I left my footprints deep in the sand
And swore to you
one day
I would retrace them
But when I turned around
I found
The tide had erased them.
Now I'll never replace them.

you were the sand.
i walk alone.

6 Secrets of Success in Life, Love and Lesiure

2006-08-18T19:03:00.000-05:00

Warning!!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!

Steve is about to preach at you!!!

Run!!! Change the tab, switch the window!!! Turn off your computer!!!

Too late.
You should have escaped while you had the chance.

The following are 8 things that I gleaned from various self help, ultimate personal and professional success guru's and just simple ideas that I've learned over the years. I can pretty much guarantee that if you read them, agree with them and then forget about them, they won't help you one little bit. I've already tried that method. But if you pay attention, incorporate them into your daily thoughts and actions, you will most certainly be more successful at the things you want to be successful at (isn't that a dangling particle or electron....i was never good at grammar....or science)

1. THE ONLY THING YOU REALLY HAVE CONTROL OVER IS YOUR ATTITUDE.
Try as you might, you cannot control events or circumstance with any degree of consistency. You can however choose how you will react when anything happens. It matters not how horrible your present circumstance, you have the ability to wake every morning and decide to be happy, to be positive. When something makes you sad, dammit you are sad, but at some point, usually fairly quickly, you are able to maintain rational thought, and at that point you are CHOOSING to continue to be sad. Why not choose a different attitude.

"But steve it's not that easy!!"

Well, how EASY is it to be sad?or mad or petty or spiteful? Do any of those things really help? (if you answered yes....this blog won't help you.)

Choose to be happy. Choose to be aggressive. Choose to be excited. Choose to be enthusiastic. It is within your power.

2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.
Where ever you find yourself, in whatever situation good or bad it is the result of decisions you have made or failed to make ("if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" --bonus points if you can tell me what song or band that came from). If your situation sucks. It's your fault. So what. At least now you know, and now you also know that you can decide to get yourself out.

This doesn't mean everything is going to be wonderful right away. You still have to make good decisions. But think of the empowerment this gives to you. You can be successful simply because of the things you do. You can find love because of the decisions you make....not just picking someone, but where you hang out, the attitude you project, the activities you are involved in.

Even when something out of your control happens knocking you off your feet. You can choose to wallow in your self pity or you can choose to react in a positive manner. Often, a positive attitude in the face of adversity does more to advance our cause than any single thing. Is this easy. Hell no. See number 3.

3. LIFE IS HARD.
Life, in general, is a bitch. Are you suprised? Here's the hard part. Life is hard MOST of the time. The funny part is, once you realize this, accept it and quit thinking everything should be easier.....everything gets easier. It's just human nature. You quit banging your head against the brick wall because it's not supposed to be there.....and you go around it. The next brick wall you come to perhaps you'll go around it BEFORE banging your head at all.

4.WORK IS PLAY.
This is one way of saying, if you don't love the work you are doing then everything else in your life is going to be more difficult. Do something else, and don't tell me you can't make the same kind of money. First of all, so what. Secondly, why not. Lastly, what is more important. Besides, if you hate what you are doing, there is a pretty darn good chance you are NOT going to be successful at it in the long haul anyway.

5.THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAILURE.
There are only results. Failure is an attitude nothing more. Failure is a crappy result that helps you learn how to achieve a better result. Really, this is just another way to say.....don't ever give up. Don't EVER give up.

6.TO GET WANT YOU WANT, HELP AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN GET WHAT THEY WANT.
To me this is the most important thing. Helping people somehow comes back to you tenfold. If your focus is on the needs of others, your decisions are usually more pure and productive.....afterall we are much better at knowing how to help someone else than we are at choosing how to help ourselves.

No magic in this list. But the combination of these things I've found to be extremely powerful. I don't believe this list applies to just your job or career. I think it works as well and sometimes even better when applied toward relationships, goals, stamp collecting, computer games or any other damn thing you choose. Will these things work for anyone? I have absolutely no doubt that they will. Like anything though, it takes commitment and focus. If you wish to make changes in your life, this is an excellent place to start......and possibly finish.

Sex Tips for the Young Guys From the Old Guy part III

2006-08-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

Hosted by Sparkle Tags

Love withers with predictability;
its very essence is surprise and amazement.
To make love a prisoner of the mundane
is to take its passion and lose it forever.
~ by Leo Buscaglia ~

Women Have One Erogenous Zone

Men have one small (some smaller than others) erogenous zone. Now, I hear the experts quickly pointing to this place or that place as alternatives, but the truth is, if there is no direct stimulation to Mr. Happy and/or his pals those other places are meaningless. Sure, men like to be touched, but touch a man's cheek and the touch does not cause sexual stimulation. It makes him THINK about sex, and that is what causes the arousal.

Touch a woman's cheek at the right moment and you just sent a spark through her whole body. But I said in the title women have only one erogenous zone. Is it her cheek? Well....yes.....Touch her hip at the right time and you get the same spark. Is it the hip? Yep. Cheek, hip....what about her....uh.... Definitely there. The truth guys is that a woman's erogenous zone is possibly, her entire body.

Here is the kicker. Every woman is slightly different. Places they like to be stroked, massaged, touched, kissed, licked. Your job is to discover exactly where. I suspect that most men are patterned lovers. A few kisses, maybe a neck nibble, a big ol paw at her breast and then down to the promised land. And you wonder why she doesn't seem "into it".

Remember the lesson about taking your time? Apply it here. If you want your woman to become a wild sex beast, treat her like the awkward, sheepish highschool girl who has never been laid (told ya I was gonna steal it SLG!!).

Here comes the MAIN thing to take out of this, and it's so simple that if you do it, you simply cannot fail to excite her.

Touch her.

WHAT?

Hell yeah you're gonna touch her.......hard and fast. Gotta touch her if you're gonna rock her world, right?

Yeah.....but I'm not talking about at Midnight, when you "suddenly" get horney after watching "Double D Vixen Cheerleader Nurses" on movie max.
Sorry.
I mean touch her all day long. All day, into the night long.

Hey, you don't HAVE to do this. She just might be the wild women she was when you first met. Presumably she has feelings for you, and she wants to make her man happy. Of course, so does Martha Stewart when she makes chocolate shrimp balls, but who do you want in your bedroom....Martha Stewart or say, Jena Jameson? (this is where I miss Hershey, because he'd definitely say Martha).

Just for fun, lets run through a sample day. For the sake of my argument, a weekend day.

The laser beams of morning sun are sizzling through the mini-blinds. You open your eyes slowly, sit up and glance to the side. She's sleeping, still. She looks so peacefully, beautiful and you lean over, put your hand on her shoulder and squeeze softly as you kiss her temple gently. She smiles a little, even though she's still asleep.

A short time later, she's making you breakfast. She's wearing one of your dress shirts and nothing else. She looks so sexy you want HER for breakfast, but you just watch her, not hiding the fact that your watching. She is seemingly oblivious but she knows your looking....they always know. She's talking, her back to you as she's cooking, the soft curve of her bottom every now and then peeking out from under your shirt-tail.

She's teasing you. No question about it. You stand and move behind her. She stiffens almost imperceptably as you gently grasp her waist. You lean into her, just your chest barely touching her back, your hands holding her firmly and you kiss her neck one time, lingering just a second to long. "You look incredible" you say, "Can I help you with anything?" She breathes deeply, and even though you can't see, you feel that she's closed her eyes. "You just relax and read the paper" she says. Another quicker kiss, hands squeezing before releasing slowly. "Thank you baby" you say before returning to the table. Is she humming?

The rest of the day, everytime you cross her path, you touch her....a hand on her shoulder, her hip, the small of her back. When you talk to her you touch her hands or fingers or her elbow. And one time, as you pass her you put your hand on her hip and look into her eyes, staring seconds longer than you should. "What?" she says, laughing....almost a giggle. And you just smile and shake your head as if to say "it's nothing". As you walk away, you feel that she's still standing there motionless, watching you.

Now it's evening, she's made your favorite dinner, put candles on the table and she's touching YOU now. Still, no groping or overt sexual touching by you. But touching her every opportunity....her knee while your sitting next to her, her face when you kiss her quickly, her hair when you talk to her. Her responses are different now, she's leaning into your touch, intentionally getting closer to you. She's smiling, laughing playfully flirting. Her eyes seem wider but she is blinking slower.

Dinner's over. She's gone for a moment and then back, wearing the lingerie you bought her "just because". She's never put it on before. She can barely keep it on, she wants to show you more, more places for you to touch. Your passion is rising but you move even slower, kissing her fingers, stroking her calf. Her breathe is more rapid as your fingers trace circles behind her knee.

She wants kisses. Her lips seem fuller, her mouth sweet....your lips barely skimming hers, tickling and you can feel her shiver.

You kiss down past her chin, her neck, your lips brushing her now bared breast so lightly you can barely tell but she gasps. Your hand is on her inner thigh, and she seperates her legs involuntarily. Your kisses are on her tummy now, her waist, her hips....your fingers moving higher, closer to where you both want you to be. Kissing, caressing, around, closer but not quite. Then your tongue skips for a milisecond across her most sensitive spot, and she gasps loudly. Her breathing is faster, her eyes are closed and......

That's one way it could go. Worth the trouble I think.

If you tried it this way everytime, it would get passe. Variation of the basics is the key....footsie under the resturaunt table, slow dancing in the living room, snuggling at the movies or on the couch. And of course, it doesn't have to always be all day.....but if you want a guarantee.....i'm just sayin'

One last thing. A woman's sexuality is tied inexorably to her mind, all of her senses but the very best way to create the sexual excitement that she craves and that benefits you, is to bring her mind and her body together, and the most effective and powerful way to do that is......

touch her.

Ramblings From the Mindless Mind

2006-08-12T03:11:00.000-05:00

tears make no sound

Brigitte and Mz B...they are Both my friend

Ramblings From the Mindless Mind

Links that lick

2006-08-11T21:17:00.000-05:00

BLOGS, BOOKS AND B

SEX TIPS FOR THE YOUNG GUYS FROM THE OLD GUY part III

Invisible

Blog Titles

2006-08-10T19:06:00.000-05:00

MY REALITY

THE MARCHING MORONS

A Very Short Story

REALLY BAD LIMERICKS

A WICKED SURVEY

6 SECRETS TO SUCCESS IN LIFE, LOVE and LESIURE

Sex Tips For the Young Guys
From the Old Guy
part III

Desolation is easy

sometimes the morning sits on me

2006-08-10T02:56:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the morning sits on me;
an unseen monster crushing me,
and I cannot breath
or open my eyes,
and all I hear is the sound of my heart.
Still, I feel no panic,
no fear.
My burden is in the waiting
till the monster tires of me
and the day begins.

Some days I can't feel anything.
I am inanimat, robotic, mechanical
but everything becomes simple
the truth becomes illluminated
and there is no past
and there is no future
and the present is a poem, unwritten
all the verses complete
but only in my head.

Sometimes the night is endless
Nothingness drifting into emptiness
surrounded by total deprivation.
And I'm ok with this
Because in the void I am not my responsibilities.
I am carefree
calm and peaceful.
The desolation is easy,
but it's lonely.

Most of the time though,
I am dancing
to a song that only I can hear.
People that love me think I should be sadder.
I should rail against injustice and be wrathful when I am wronged.
But I can not write their bitter sonnett,
better that they think me a sweet fool.
It's ironic.
If they could just one time feel the music that's inside me,
they would be dancing, too.

The War

2006-08-07T22:41:00.000-05:00

It started simple enough. A broken hinge. I've never had a garage door that had a broken hinge. Didn't look that serious to ME. The door still opened and closed, even if it did make a funny scraping noise every now and again. Besides, I was going to replace the hinge. Honest, I was.

Another hinge broke. Which in retrospect makes perfect sense. One broken hinge puts extra pressure on other hinges to make up for it's sorry ass performance. Slacker.

Now the door is obviously uneven in places. This is making it run unevenly in the tracks, a fact that the garage door motor is obviously oblivious to as it continues to pull with gorilla force despite the screeching mini-thunder sound of bending metal. The garage door motor is not my friend.

I am garage door ignorant, but I can tell that these sounds are not good.

It's kind of like if you step on a cat's tail, the sound is one of obvious pissed offedness but you are not exactly sure what's been hurt, the cat's tail or it's feelings. So I am not sure if the garage door is trying to tell me it does not appreciate having to work this hard or inefficiently or if its in agonizing pain from being ripped and bent by an unfeeling motor while I watch, doing nothing, seemingly uncaring about it's pain.

None of this occurred to me at the time. And I can tell without any help whatsoever that the gargage door doesn't look right. My exact thoughts were more along the line of, "Crap, how much is THIS gonna cost me."

Then the fatal thought

(to be read in slow motion),
" I Caaaan ffiiixx thiissss myyyseelllffff...."

Cue in the theme from the twilight zone.

A MAN AND A GARAGE DOOR.

COMMON TO MOST SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOODS.
BUT THIS IS NOT A NORMAL GARAGE DOOR....
AND THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS IN THE MIDDLE OF>>>>>
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.......

My first action is to announce to the family (two boys, nine and seven)...

"Do NOT open the garage door. It is broken"

To me these instructions are fairly clear. Don't open the garage door. But to be certain I say it again, louder and with my mean, serious look....it's a good look, even if my 17 year old daughter cracks up when she sees me do it. Don't open the garage door. DON'T OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR (insert mean look)

After they try to open the garage door and it crunches one of the panels like Godzilla stepping on a Japanese SUV, I realize my mistake. I did not say, "Don't open the garage door, EVEN IF YOU NEED TO GET YOUR BICYCLES OUT." And of course, I did not unhook the brutish garage door opener engine. My fault.

I unhooked the brutish garage door opener engine. The door itself is now about 3/4's of the way open, crooked and wedged into the tract tighter than Pam Anderson's DDD's in a bustier. But, I'm still thinking....

" I Caaaan ffiiixx thiissss myyyseelllffff...."

At this point, it may have been best for all involved if someone had shot me. No one had the foresight.*

After thirty minutes of herculean effort the door has not budged. We are supposed to be having a hailstorm shortly so I manage to squeeze the car under the door and into the garage. Would that I cared for my garage door as well as my car.

Shortly thereafter my ex and her boyfriend show up. In an act of desperation, I ask for his help. No man should have to ask his ex's boyfriend to help fix something that he has messed up by pure stupidity. But it does go to show my mental state at the time.

With the two of us we manage to get the door down, after having to remove the lower panel. The door is closed with a two foot gap at the bottom. Can't be helped. Door is closed. Car is safe. All is well.*(reference, what would have been best for all involved, above)

The next day, Friday, I have a doctor's appointment. I go out to open the door, giving myself an extra thirty minutes for any unforseen difficulty. Three hours later, the door is still closed only now it is unhooked from the brutish garage door opener. The door is now touching the ground and the two foot gap is at the top rather than the bottom. I have determined that only the Incredible HULK has the strength necessary to open this evil evil door.

How we arrived at this state is too painful to recall.

At this point, Friday at almost six o'clock, I do what any grown, emotionally mature man would do. I mutter, "Fuck it" and go inside to have a beer. On Saturday, neighbors kindly bring me cigarettes and diet dr. pepper (the boys are spending the weekend with their granny). Sunday, another neighbor and I and his wife manage to get the door open long enough to pull the car out before it settles into it's current position.

The garage door won. I sincerely no longer have any animosity toward the door, the motor or any other inanimant object that participated in the struggle. The Garage Door was a valiant opponent and won this battle fair and square. And I learned a valuable lesson.

Always have extra cigarettes and soda in the house.

......you know, I still might be able to fix that by myself.*

I Love You Because.....

2006-08-06T19:45:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by Ms. B with the question being, what did I look for in a woman. I knew instantly that I had no idea what the answer was so I started with only one given: she must be female. After that, the concepts were vague.

Here is what I came up with. It's basically stream of consciousness, unedited. Not intended to be all inclusive....but it's a start.

I love you because

You laugh at the things that make you mad
You cry when you're sad but you let me think I'm helping to make it better
You're not afraid to be vulnerable
You feel safe when you are with me.

I love you because

You are beautiful because you know you are beautiful
You wear old sweat pants, a ratty t-shirt and a baseball cap to the store, but still touch up your makeup first
You aren't afraid to try something new, and you get my lazy ass up to try it to
You know how to tell me NO, and make me think it's my idea.

I love you because

You dream big dreams, but they always include me
You know that I need you more than you need me, and you never take advantage of that
You hurt when I hurt
You let me be angry when you've been wronged but you don't let me act upon it till I've settled down.

I love you because

You make me feel like I am the only man you've ever loved.
You understand that I don't understand my emotions like you do yours
You always let me open the new jar of pickles
You know that I need time alone and it has nothing to do with how much I love you

I love you because

You don't tell me everything, but you never lie to me
You don't play games....unless it's in the bedroom
You let me say I'm sorry even when you know I have no idea what I'm apologizing for.
You understand that my love for you would consume me if you let it

I love you because

I just do.

not my river

2006-08-05T21:21:00.000-05:00

not my river

I was walking and I heard
a river
laughing
somewhere behind the trees
It's not for me.
Not my river,
not our trees.
Not your laughter,
not for me

Then
I was sleeping and I smelled
your hair
on the pillow,
next to me
It's not you sleeping,
couldn't be
not your scent,
not your sounds
but I SAW YOU
sleeping
next to me.
only
it isn't you that I see.

And
I was walking and I heard
your laughter
when the river flowed
but it's not true
Not my river,
the sound's not you
only water,
cold clear water
rushing over me
everything becoming dim
but it's ok,
in the end
I've always known
that I could
swim

Why didn't you?
why didn't you

AMY LEE....I Love You

2006-08-05T04:36:00.000-05:00

I love Evanescence.

And not just because I can actually SPELL Evanescence.

I love their music.

I love the goofy smiles Amy Lee gets when she's getting lots of attention.

I love the way emotion bleeds out of her soaring or growling voice whether she's laying on her back ontop of a metal building wearing lace somethings or swimming underwater with demons at a Detroit rock concert(has to be Detroit) only place I can think of that had had enough demons to fill a concert hall.

I realize that by law you are supposed to be 19 or under to be a fan. Something about heavy metal riffs and young testosterone. I'm here to tell you that old guy testosterone works pretty well where Amy Lee is concerned, and I've been eating Heavy Metal Riffs for breakfast since I was 13.

Yes they sometimes come across as pretentious, yes they are a bit to much goth or emo or whatever the hell it's called nowadays when you wear black eyeliner and act bummed out all the time except when you're band plays.

Shit, I did all that. Isn't that what every 19 year old does? Ok....I didn't wear black eyeliner. But I would have.....if it would have helped me get laid. Hell, I'd wear it today to that end....but I
digress. Here you see the 4 quasi albums and "FALLEN" their one true CD to date. The entire boring point of this, is that Evanescence has a new CD coming out Oct 3. It's called "The Open Door, " and I've heard good things.
So, fellas and Amy, good luck with that.
I know me and Ms.AmyLee will . neverhook up. There's that age . .thingy....she's 25....too old for me. I'm planning for no older than say, 21, with 1 to 2 year relationships, die alone and leave my millions to my kids.
(note to self: make millions).

That was so off topic I might as well venture forth my Sunday morning blog topic or at least hint at it vaguely.

I'm in a war at the moment. A war in which only one of us is going to come out whole. The door was open briefly Thursday, and I'd hoped the war would not be necessary, but the door was closed Thursday night and remained so yesterday, trapping me. Today is GD day and I'm going after it.

Yep , you got it, that damn Garage door is going down....or up in this case....or I'm not coming back alive. Wish me luck. Below is the cover or covers for the new CD along with links to the Evanescence Website, Amazon.com and a two minute preview of Evanescences first single.
Evanescence: Th e O pen Door - Available 10.3.06
....preview new single " Call me when you're sober"

Technorati Tags: Evanescence, music, rock and roll,

Have a great weekend everyone.

Sometimes the Strangest Things Happen, or not

2006-08-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

Dancing with the Stars

I stepped out onto the back porch late this evening and a cool breeze drifted arcoss my brow. Now, the words...cool breeze...summer....and Houston have never actually been uttered in the same sentence. Needless to say I felt very strange as if something unique was happening , something to which I should be paying attention .

My eyes were drawn to the deep obsidian black of the sky ,a virtually cloudless night, and despite the darkness there were only two stars visible..... two specks of sparkling light, so far away that what I was seeing had happened a long long time ago, thousands of years, before everything.....two stars only, and they were doing something very disturbing, something stars do not and have never done....two stars and they were.....dancing.

Dancing?

It takes a moment for the strangeness of that to sink in, it takes a moment longer to begin questioning yourself and your sobriety, sanity or mortality. A hard pinch on the thigh, a shake the cobwebs head bob and another look up into the pitchblack night sky.

Two stars.

Dancing.

Their movements were wildly erratic, jerky and swift but together, always together as one. The harder I tried to follow their dips and twirls, the darting, shifting movements the faster they got.

A miracle.

I had been presented with an honest to god miracle. I watched the little dustbunnys of light, their joy and enthusiasm never waining. Pure magic. A sign for me only. My life was changing. God showing me the joy that could be mine. I felt tears coming to my eyes and I looked away from the dancing suns and bowed my head. Then words came to me instantly, from nowhere.....

YOU ARE NOT WEARING YOUR GLASSES AND YOU HAVE A STIGMATISM, you moron...............................................................................
....................................................................................
....................................................................................
...................still.........................i'm just sayin'.

My Big Ten Inch.........

2006-07-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

My Big Ten Inch Record

........you didn't think it was a picture of my....no....of course you didn't! Somewhere, that picture exists. If so, it was heavily photoshopped.

No....this blog is about MUSIC. Something that is critical to my mental well being. I love music....all kinds of music....I have classical CD's (this piece is my favorite), Country CD's but not many (I love this song), even pop (you can here that 5 billion times on the radio). Basically, I like any music that I can feel, and I think the artist(s) feel (and you can tell).

This blog, that has taken me almost a week to create, is kinda different than most you see on myspace.....because I wanted it to be special. This is my BIG TEN LIST of my favorite records(cd's) but it's more than that. I listened to the music as I put the blog together, and basically, I listened to my life. I heard all of my kids individually, both of my wives, the places I've lived, the bumps and bruises, the successes and failures, the loves and the heartaches, and the friends....there haven't been any enemies.

It's been a crazy, wonderous, tragic, awe inspiring life. And guess what.....Audioslave has a new album coming out. Isn't life grand? Thank you God.

I bought the album that inspired the title of this blog (Aerosmith , Toys in the Attic...in case you didn't know) in 1975. I've had a thousand favorites since then and a few hundred before...everyone from Linda Ronstadt to Linkin Park. However, below are the 10 albums/cd's that are part of me...not necessarily who I am, but at least a part of the process.

There are so many links to reviews, artists, songs and music sites that you may never finish this.....but try....cuz I would appreciate a comment....even if it's "Steve, you fool, why did you waste so much time on THIS"

There is one obscure album on the list, several that wouldn't make any expert's top 500, but the combination of the music and what it meant to me are the reason it's on my list. You've probably at least heard of almost all the artists, but you may never have listened to anything they've played. Here you can. There are at least three times this many that were close enough to agonize over (and probably at least that many that didn't come to mind).... here's a list of some that DIDN'T make my top ten.

Fallen - Evanescence, Come Clean - Puddle of Mudd , Break the Cycle - Staind,
The Pretender - Jackson Browne, Sentimental Reasons -Linda Ronstadt,
In the Heat of the Night - Pat Benatar, Montrose - Montrose, Rush - Rush,
Night At theOpera - Queen, Pieces of Eight - Styx, Beautiful Garbage- Garbage,
You Can Tune A Piano But You Can't Tunafish - REO Speedwagon,
Paranoid - Black Sabath, Sticky Fingers - The Rolling Stones, Tapestry - Carol King,
Rumours - Fleetwood Mac, Ten - Pearl Jam, Audioslave - Audioslave
Golden State - Bush, Ok Computer - Radiohead, Toys in the Attic - Aerosmith,
Sixteen Stone - Bush, Razorblade Suitcase - Bush, Dirt - Alice in Chains,
Human Clay - Creed, Empire - Queensryche, Surfacing - Sarah McGlocklin,
Synchronicity - The Police, A Farewell to Kings - Rush, Throwing Copper - Live,
Dreamboat Annie - Heart, Red Headed Stranger - Willie Nelson,
Stardust Memories - Willie Nelson, Crimes of Passion - Pat Benatar,
Lincoln Park - Meteora,
4 - Foriegner, Street Survivors - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Now....my favorites.

10.Gino Vanelli
Storm At Sunup

Storm at Sunup
Gino Vanneli
This one may be the most unique pick, and certainly seems a bit out of place but two things. Gino Vanneli had (and may still have) a great voice, and this is a romantic, fun, sad, soothing album. It's the only Vanneli album I've ever owned.....I came by it originally in the form of an Eight-Track Tape. I think a girlfriend gave it to me for highschool graduation in 1976. My parents had given me a car eight track tape player(i'll bet a lot of you have never even HEARD of eight tracks) so it was at least nice to have SOMETHING to play. I had Gino's tape and a fleetwood mac tape.....for almost a year. Fleetwood Mac, Rumours. The radio stations played that album almost non-stop. For a long time I HATED it. But since it took me a while to warm up to the jazz/fusion of Storm at Sunup.....i just grew to love every song...still do.
FROM A REVIEW ON CD UNIVERSE:
"Gino is the king of rock and jazz fusion and many of the younger generation probably won't or can't comprehend this master. His voice is powerful and has dynamics that will make your hair on your arms stand up."

My Favorites: Storm at Sunup(amazing song....so beautiful ....at one point in the space of maybe 7 or eight words, Gino goes up at least 6 or 7 octives effortlessly, and his voice sounds incredible), Gettin High ("remember I was 18 when I got this), Father and Son, and Mama Coco

LISTEN TO: STORM AT SUNUP Keep on Walking
listen to the whole album here

On MySpace? Click here to visit Gino's Myspace

9. Beatles
White Album (1968)

The White Album
The Beatles

Enough has been written about the Beatles that I'm quite certain anything I have to say about the band or music would be repetitious but I included this album because, although the Beatles released this double album in 1968, I somehow got a copy of it in 1972.

I was 14, the Beatles didn't exist anymore. McCartney had Wings, Lennon had Yoko Ono, Harrison had the Hari Krishnas and Ringo had Barbara Hershey. I think Ringo had the best deal. The record was eye opening. I had no idea that music could sound like that.....Imagine what people had thought of it four years earlier.

The album was strange but melodic, quiet mostly but somehow still intense. I literally played that record to death, and before my 16th birthday it wasn't worth keeping around. The album I had was white with Beatles embossed on it. Someone told me years ago that this was rare. Figures. I think owning this record, at the point in my life that I did, probably helped as much as anything to make me a lover of music.

From CD universe.com - With the four Beatles playing like session men on each other's songs, the making of the album was fraught with tension. John Lennon's songs included a bitter take on people who read too much into the Beatles' lyrics ("Glass Onion"), reflections on loneliness and alienation ("Yer Blues," "I'm So Tired"), and the avant garde sound collage "Revolution 9." George Harrison's songs offered black humor ("Piggies") and tender sadness ("While My Guitar Gently Weeps," with Eric Clapton on guitar). Paul McCartney provided both light, lyric songs ("Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da," "Honey Pie"), and rockers ("Back In The U.S.S.R.," the explosive "Helter Skelter"). Ringo Starr made his solo songwriting debut with the goofy country/ska lilt of "Don't Pass Me By" and sang the album closer "Good Night."

My Favorites:While My Guitar Gently Weeps(I didn't know Eric Clapton played guitar on this.....), Happiness is a Warm Gun, I Will(a sweet nothing of a song, but I like it), Julia

Julia,
CRY BabyCry
WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

8. Boston (1976)

Boston
Boston
I remember this like it happened yesterday. My first week in a private dorm in Austin, the University of Texas. 1976. I wanted a new Album but nothing was jumping out at me. Then I saw the cover above. It was cool. The back was filled with a sales pitch on why you should buy the album....it kept saying every few sentences..."Listen to the music".

I did.

I forked over my 4.99....me and over a million others....but Boston felt like MY discovery, and always have.

I listened to Boston and this album at least once a day for 6 months and then barely again for 20 years. But I discovered them, did I mention that?

In the final analysis, it's just a good rock album, not a great one but it's MY album and that what puts it right here.

My Favorites: Let Me Take You Home Tonight, Peace of Mind, Rock & Roll Band
Click these linkes to LISTEN TO: Smokin' and Let Me Take You Home Tonight

7.Elton John
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (1973)

..
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
Elton John

Today we think of Elton John as a strange clownish character. When I first listened to him back in 1973, we thought he was a tough punk with talent. You only have to listen to the first song on this double album (Funeral For a Friend) to know that this album is unique. I don't think there is a bad or boring song out of the 17. This was Elton John at his most miserable, confused by his sexuality, struggling with the fame and inevitible loss of integrity that goes with making millions for creativity and natural talent. It was also Elton John at his creative peak. No collection can be complete without this album. It sounds everybit as creative and unique today, 33 years later, as it did when I was in highschool.

My Favorites: Harmony, Funeral For a Friend(love lies bleeding), All the Girls Love Alice, Candle in the Wind(at least until the ran it into the ground after Diana Died....it was originally written as an ode to Marilyn Monroe)
LISTEN TO: Funeral For a Friend, Harmony

6.Puddle Of Mudd
Life On Display (2003)

Life on Display
- Puddle of Mudd

If it weren't for the fact that I first listened to Puddle of Mudd just barely over a year ago, this album would probably rate in the top three. All it needs is the test of time. This bad has an angry energy that comes through on almost every song. They are on a very short list of bands for who I will brave the stadium crowd to go see live.
Most of their music is testosterone driven but they play some of the best rock accoustical songs around. Ardito, the lead singer, may be close to the most fun to watch AND hear that I've seen. He is like an angry choirboy.

From ROCKRAGE.com
"Bottom Line There's music on the radio that you like until it's played over and over again. Then there's music you hate that's played over and over again, but oddly enough you start to like it. For me, that's Puddle of Mudd's music."

My Favorites: Away From Me, Spin You Around, Think, Sidney, I'm Already Gone, Heal Over Head, Nothing Left to Lose, Time Flies (that's about 3/4 of the album....what does that tell you?)
LISTEN TO : AWAY FROM ME
Spin You Around
Heal Over Head

5.Nirvana
Nevermind (1991)

Nevermind
- Nirvana

It's hard to believe that it has been 13 years since I first listened to this album. Anyone who does not believer Curt Cobain was a genius has only to listen to a few hours of music prior to 1993, then listen to it now. He is all over it, in almost every rock song in some way. You would have thought this album would be difficult to get into....the subject matter for the most part was depressing, the singer practically growled and grunted the words and there was so much noise you would wonder how they knew which song they were playing. Nirvana never felt like that, like what they appeared to be on the surface.....a bunch of "grungy" misfits... They felt like everything came from deeper than their hearts, their music came from their souls.

My Favorites
Click on the link to listen to: About A Girl Come as you Are

4.Linda Ronstadt
Hasten Down The Wind (1976)

Hasten Down the Wind
Linda Ronstadt

Hands down my favorite singer. Forget all the little pop diddies, listen to her sing something with soul! And this album has enough soul for 5. It quite possible is the saddest, most heart wrenching record/cd I ever purchased, and I came across it just about the time I went off to college, my first time away from home. I was homesick, lonely and filled with teenage angst and I had the saddest record ever for solace.

This album made her a star but with the exception of a few songs here and there her material turned decidedly commercial pop and she pretty much lost me. Then she did the sessions with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra. Singing standards from 40 years past, she made them her own by singing them the way the were intended and in the process they made magic. She never sounded more powerful, more vulnerable, more fun. Hasten Down the Wind barely beats them out here, basically because that album was my emotional outlet when for the first time in my life I felt lost and unsure. To me, she will always look and sound like she did then.....beautiful.

My Favorites: Hasten Down The Wind, Down So Low, Crazy,
Click on the link to listen to: Hasten Down the Wind Crazy

3. Rush
2112 (1976)

2112
- Rush

I wonder if it's a coincidence that two of the top five on this list both came out the year I graduated from highschool? 2112 was a revelation to me. Not just songs stuck on a record but an idea fully formed and translated to disc. The story seems somewhat silly today, but the music is still incredible. Alex Lifeson playing guitar better than any long blonde haired dude ever, Geddy Lee looking like an ugly little girl that stumbled onstage....until that voice came....a startling highpitched squeal that you expected to veer off into tunelessness at any moment. Except, it never did. Neil Pert looking like evil incarnate with that mustache playing drums (DRUMS? He had more things to hit than Mike Tyson)....playing with maniacal precision. Just three guys. And more sounds than you could identify. It shouldn't have worked. It did magnificently.....and has for 30 years.

No one sounds like Rush. They took more chances with their music than almost any musicians I can think of. They never seemed satisfied with what worked or tired of what didn't, for that matter. But when it worked, it was hard rock nirvana......on 2112....it worked.

My Favorites: 2112 (it's the entire first side). Tears, Something For Nothing (You can't get something for nothing, you can't have freedom for free. You won't get wise with the sleep still in your eyes, no matter what your dream might be.)
Click on the link to listen to: TEARS Something For Nothing

2. Staind
Chapter V (2005)

Chapter 5
- Staind

My favorite band, maybe of all time. No one else combines such powerful music with equally powerful lyrics. Aaron Lewis is a genius. When I first heard them, several albums ago, they were a bit to much death metal, but Aaron Lewis has found his voice and it reaches right inside my soul. My love affair with Staind is still basically in its infancy so they could fall on this list and even drop back in the pack as time goes on.. I don't see that happening. I would have to get bored with them, meaning they would have to get boring and I just don't think Lewis is secure enough to let that happen.

It's obvious that their best songs are those where Lewis is recounting some problem or issue with drug addiction. And wouldn't you know, I had someone close with that type of issue. I would hear a song and rush for the lyrics, because it felt as if he were speaking directly to my needs. But i'm not the first person to express that. He wrote a song kind of about that....on this album. Its called My Reply.

The title of my blog, It's Always Raining in My Head, came from their song, Epiphany from the Break the Cycle CD. You can find it up in the list of albums that didn't quite make the top ten.

My Favorites: Every single song....there is not one song that I don't like but the three below if i HAD to choose.
Click the link to listen to: EVERYTHING CHANGES PLEASE TAKE THIS

1.Led Zeppelin IV (1971)

.............IV..........
- Led Zeppelin

FROM CD REVIEW:
"Led Zeppelin's epochal fourth album finds both the band's blues-rock thunder and their gentler, more lyrical side filed down to a razor-sharp point. "Black Dog" and "Rock and Roll" aren't just perennial air-guitar anthems; they're the ultimate distillation of the blues-inflected, hard-rock fury the band had already been perfecting for the past three years. Robert Plant's Little Richard-on-amphetamines wail rides perfectly atop the band's strategically directed crunch for maximum impact. "When the Levee Breaks"is a titanic take on the blues, with John Bonham's thunderous drums echoing through the subsequent decades. The folkier, acoustic tracks provide welcome moments of beauty and respite, and all the elements of the band's sound come together in "Stairway to Heaven," a suite of shifting dynamics that would become the Eiffel Tower of classic-rock radio forevermore."

Rolling Stone (12/11/03, p.113) - Ranked #66 in Rolling Stone's "500 Greatest Albums Of All Time" - "...Towering..." Rolling Stone (12/23/71, p.63) - "...out of the eight cuts, there isn't one that steps on another's toes, [or] that tries to do too much all at once..." - Lenny Kaye Spin (p.89) - "[With] whipsaw riffs that treated the blues like ancient runes..." Q (6/00, p.76) - Ranked #26 in Q's "100 Greatest British Albums" Q (10/94, p.141) - 5 Stars - Indispensable - "...it's...big room ambience still best described by 'When The Levee Breaks'..." NME (10/2/93, p.29) - Ranked #56 in NME's list of the 'Greatest Albums Of All Time.'

This was the FIRST hard rock album I ever bought. I was 14. Who knew it would all be downhill from there....

My Favorites: I could listen to every song on this album every single day and never get tired of them. This is THE PERFECT rock and roll album.
Click the Link to listen to: BLACK DOG

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

WHEN THE LEVY BREAKS

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

2006-07-26T22:55:00.000-05:00

A blog for Stephanie who suggested the idea while diplomatically expressing pleasure from reading my sexist blog...Why Cats are Better than Women. Neither of these blogs is meant to be mean spirited but the humor is blunt in places. And please, ladies, feel free to suggest your own...I'll add em and find the pics...well, maybe I will. But it's worth a shot. Happy Humpday kiddies.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs ALWAYS like your cooking.

2. Dogs know exactly what to do with their tail.

3. Everything a dog does is honest.

4. Dogs can't work a remote control.

5. Dogs aren't tall enough to grab your boobs.

6. Dogs treat you the same even if you've gained a few pounds.

7. Dogs don't like baseball, or basketball or football or motorcross or Nascar or Porn.

8. Once they love you, Dogs will Always love you.

9. Dogs dig holes but they only dig them in their own backyard.

10. Dogs like leftovers.

11. Dogs pee where they aim.

12. You can get a dog to come just by calling its name.

Coming soon..... Pennies? What Else Don't We Need.
What I'm Looking For In a Woman (my answers to Mz. B's tag)
Sex Tips From the Old Guy to the Young Guys Part III

Why Cats Are Better Than Women

2006-07-26T01:23:00.000-05:00

This is my Olympic Blog : Pets.....if it's the wrong day.....SUE me. It was inspired by Hershey's comments on my picture of my cat Boots and I'm Awsome's blog...Peanut Butter.... I borrowed a couple of these and wrote the rest. If you are insulted by one or more......those are the ones I borrowed.

1. Cats look the same when they wake up in the morning as they did before going out for the night.

2. Cats don't talk when they are being bitchy.

3. Cats only dirty one dish, and you only have to wash it if it starts to turn green.

4. Cats have no friends.

5. If a Cat has kids, you can give them away.

6. Cats keep their opinions to themselves.

7. Cats only do one thing in their bathroom, and it doesn't clog the drain.

8. Really really fat cats, are cute

9. Cats can sit in your lap during the ballgame and you won't miss a pitch.

10. Cats may stay out all night, but they always eat at home.

11. You can have pussy anytime you want.

Myspace Blog

2006-07-16T20:05:00.000-05:00

SIT YOUR ASTEROID DOWN
AND HAVE A SIX PACMAN

Calvin and Hobbes

2006-07-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

Pipe Dream

2006-07-13T13:37:00.001-05:00

Click Here....You wont believe your eyes.

Road Trip

2006-06-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

I had lunch yesterday with a friend that I hadn't seen in several years. He's actually one of my best friends. He invited the boys and I to come for a weekend to his house in Wimberly Texas.

Wimberly is a little town nestled in a valley of the Texas Hill Country. The Blanco River (above) runs next to and through the cozy little mesquite tree laden town. Canyon Lake, an 8,300 surface acre recreational lake is less than 15 minutes away. Just a beautiful place (lots of bed and breakfasts and cabins for rent if you're ever interested).

Sounds like the perfect road trip. Except for one really stupid and scary thing. I'm afraid to go. Or I'm afraid I won't go. Explanation (true confession) time. I haven't been out of Houston for four years. No road trips. Big deal, huh? Except, in my entire life I doubt I've ever gone more than a month or two without a trip somewhere.

The first road trips I remember came when I was around 6 to 8 years old. Ski trips to the only ski mountain in Michigan...Iron Mountain. I remember very little except for the bar my parents always went to there (different time, kids were all over that bar), the mechanical bowling game and Rosie O'Grady wine....not drinking it ... the picture of the lady on the bottle.....i suppose the wine was a kind of joke/tradition of the trip for my parents and thier friends.(just an aside, if you google Rosie O'Grady you will find 100's of bars and pubs from Thailand to Austrailia to Detroit).

After that, road trips were a way of life. We actually drove from Michigan to California when my dad was transfered. I remember a piece of plywood laid down in the back seat of the Buick, covered with blankets to make a flat play area (i don't even think cars HAD seatbelts in the back seats then). A stop in Disney Land was included. Trips from Sacramento to LA, San Francisco, Reno, and Squaw Valley. The year my dad was in Vietnam, my mom loaded us up and a road trip to Yosemite National Park resulted. Another cross country trip from California to Nebraska, with another stop at Disneyland, and when my Dad retired from the AirForce, I drove (3 months after getting my license) from Nebraska to New Braunfels, Texas.

Without really realizing it, within the confines of c0-dependency and depression, I have hermitted myself in Houston. I literally have been unable to get myself to leave. I missed my sister's wedding. I missed my Mom's 75th birthday party. I have not visited the friends I have in San Antonio, Rockport, New Braunfels, Dallas, Austin or anywhere in between.

When I was 18, I along with two female companions (platonic despite my best efforts) drove from Austin to Devil's Backbone, Colorado to ski. We took my parents copper Toyota Corolla station wagon. We brought our own booze since the drinking age in Colorado at the time was 19 (it was 18 in Texas). We stopped off in New Mexico at friends. We skied our asses off. Partied like ... well.... like 18 year olds on their first road trip. I haven't seen those girls for 30 years, but I'll never forget them. When I was 20, six of us crammed into the same Toyota and drove non-stop from Austin to Vegas (it takes 27 hours if your curious). I had 50 bucks to spend, lost 25 in the first 30 minutes and had a total blast.

Road trips. I lived for the next one. Over the next 25 years I or we went everywhere we could afford and several we couldn't. Hundreds of trips within Texas....to San Antonio, New Braunfels, Boerne, Fredericksburg, Galveston, Rockport, Corpus Christi, Dallas, Ft. Worth, San Marcos, Austin, Lubbock, College Station, Waco, Padre Island, Sinton, Vidor, Luckenbach, Gruene, Seguin, Beaumont, Livingston, Huntsville and Magnolia. Trips to California...Palm Springs, LA, SanFrancisco. Trips to Colorado...Denver, Colorado Springs. Trips to Florida...Jacksonville, Miami, Coral Gables. Trips to Arizona...Phoenix, Scottsdale, Tempe. Trips to Nevada....Reno, Vegas, Carson City. New York City. St. Louis. New Orleans. Mexico. Canada.

In other words....lots.

Four years and no road trip. Snuck up on me. Just like the co-dependency. Just like the depression. Wimberly might as well be Australia. You know what, though?

I'm better.

And I got the itch.......

Take the leap

2006-05-04T04:49:00.000-05:00

You're Constantly Aroused
Originally uploaded by Eric Rolph.

It's invisible. Can't be touched. Some say they feel it, but they don't. They feel the empowerment it gives them,or the inner peace or maybe even just the sense of belonging.

Faith.

Can't wait around for it to magically become part of your consciousness. It's a decision. Maslow was wrong. You don't fill the needs from the bottom up. You start at the top. Faith. Then work your way down. Because all the other stuff is hollow, ultimately meaningless without it as your foundation. Take the leap. Only the first step is difficult.

Men are Pigs: Three things every woman should know and understand

2006-04-07T03:22:00.000-05:00

I'm about to give you truisms that I've gleaned over the years. By definition they are generalizations and not meant to describe or categorize every individual but I think most of us will find at least a shred of truth that can be applied to our own personalities, behaviors and habits. And it is meant in fun. Despite this brilliantly worded disclaimer it probably will still piss off some people....and I can only say that in all likelihood, if this makes you angry, you probably "resemble that remark" more than you'd like to think. Please direct any death threats directly to myspace owners because it's their fault for letting me in here in the first place.

MEN ARE PIGS

1)MEN DON'T CHANGE - ladies are required to read that again. If he treats you like crap now, he will ALWAYS treat you like crap. ALWAYS!! If he doesn't pick up after himself, he will never pick up after himself. If he picks his nose and then sticks the same hand into the potato chip bag, if he thinks Oprah and The View are a total and complete waste of your time (even when Oprah's skinny or the gang talks about sex), if he tells you you need to lose weight while simultaneously lifting his beer gut so he can loosen his belt cuz his size 40 jeans are getting tight, he is going to do those things or close approximations forever. Enough nagging can create the illusion of change...but that's all it is, an illusion. The only exception to this would be due to a life altering event like a car accident or getting to meet Jenna Jameson or having your Mother In Law live with you. So ladies, if you can't live with the fact that he checks out every tight pair of jeans that walks passed, then don't, because if you try you're just going to make both of you miserable.

2)MEN LOOK AT EVERY PAIR OF TIGHT JEANS THAT WALK PASSED - ladies, at this point, should go back and re-read the last sentence of #1. He does. Read this slowly....he does, even if you are watching him to see if he's looking. If he's any good at it, he can do it without you being able to tell. Barring you covering his eyes or tossing one of the kids in the pool as a distraction, he is going to look. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't think you are fine (my son says I should use the word "hot" and not "fine" here), it doesn't mean he actually WANTS the blonde 18 year old who has an ass you could bounce a dime off of ( this could depend on how much nagging you are doing to try to change him into a human being). He actually cannot help but look. It's not his fault. There are million year old cave man genetics at work here and you've only had your claws in him a few years (my son says the use of "had your claws in him" is very derogatory toward women, but he's never been married). I can hear some of you ladies (and ALL of you men) saying that no looking is being done. Yes it is, but it is better for all involved to take this "see no evil" stance. But the secret (men forgive me) is that men can look one direction and see another. No one is sure if this is a learned ability or more genetics because quite frankly, male scientists don't want to give away the secret and female scientists are not aware of it's existence. This ability, once mastered, is actually quite beneficial to a man's eyesight, thus the saying "she is easy on the eyes." Note for men only: do not admit that you look. your lady is no longer taking me seriously so don't blow it for yourself. Also, do not look and make an excuse. NO EXCUSE will EVER work including the truth herein contained. Denial is almost as bad and can in fact make her angrier. Best response is to simply close your eyes, tilt your head down and shake it disgustedly at her childish jealousy.

#3)MEN DO NOT CARE WHETHER OR NOT THE WOMAN HAS AN ORGASM. I know, "your man" does. Before I get to the details let me ask a question, woman answer first, then men. Picture this: you are running a 102 fever, your nose is running, you can't quit coughing and every time you do green stuff comes up into your mouth. Do you want to have sex? Women? give me a break, right. Men? of course, absolutely, point me to it, it'll make me feel better. Now, honestly, could a creature that answered yes to that question actually care about anybody's sexual satisfaction other than his own?

But he says it's beautiful.

Well, it is beautiful but so is a sunrise and you don't see him getting up extra early to see it, do you. Now if he happens to view it's beauty in the course of doing something he enjoys, say putting on his golf shoes in the parking lot so he can make his t-time, he'll take notice. Men are pigs, but pigs are very intelligent animals.

But he'll stay down there forever just to please me.

Some do, true. But this is really for more selfish reasons. A)he has no intention of giving you an opening to tell him how good a lover Sean (insert any asshole's name)was. B)He needed some quiet time anyway to sort through his Fantasy Baseball team's lineup C)the cable is down and/or the kids are on the computer. D)he wants you to have sex with him again. All perfectly reasonable, but not quite the selfless tongue autuer you believed him to be.

Consider one last thing. What happens if a MAN'S orgasm does not go off without hitch....equipment failure, early release, and the ever dreaded "can you just finish and get off of me for crissakes!!!" . What happens? Apologies all around. Everyone accepting blame and soothing feelings and egos. In other words, failure, incompletion, and no one is satisfied. What happens if a WOMAN does not reach orgasm? NOT A FREAKIN THING. In fact, if he hasn't already, the man still expects his....am I right? She might say something like, "it's ok, I don't need an orgasm to be fullfilled" (ALL men believe this because it means less work). And he might say, "I can keep going, you know." (which may or may not be true depending on when he took his viagra or whether or not lock jaw has set in). But the truth is, he's relieved and she is already thinking of Sean.

Women...this entire blog is just a pile of hooey. Don't believe a word of it. I have only been out the institution for a month and I sometime have these episodes.

Men...don't worry. Women are incapable of accepting these things. Otherwise, why would they keep marrying us?

Five Reasons Not to Have Kids, and 5 Reasons You Should

2006-04-01T05:34:00.000-06:00

Having previously established my expertise in the area of children, I thought I would give some insight into the reasons against and for having some of your own. These are not all inclusive lists but they are definitely things you and your significant other should consider before re-populating.

5 Reasons Not to Have Kids

1.) You Can't Do It in the Kitchen - or the living room, or the garage, or on the pool table or anywhere else except in your bedroom with the door locked. Now you may prefer the bedroom, but any spontaneous passion will need to be relocated lest little eyes see daddy doing the same thing to mommy that Fido did to the neighbors French poodle. And that was gross.

2) Changing Diapers with a Hangover - there are no doubt worse things in the world, but you will be hard pressed to think of any while your head is pounding, your stomach churning and the extremely natural smell of baby poo wafts up to overwhelm your senses. You can't wait till you feel better and it's not going to change itself. Your dear spouse, who was so in love with you the night before, has magically vanished leaving only you available for the needed task. This will happen, and you will remember it forever.

3)McDonalds Toys - they are like tribbles (its Star Trek.....go look it up). Tiny terrible toys everywhere. Seemingly self procreating. Every thing that is half way marketed will be a toy in your house....who needs a miniature Tom Cruise in your living room. You will find them everywhere, the sharper ones in the middle of the night with the bottom of your bare foot. Quite simply, they are evil and should be banned.

4)PS2/XBox/GameCube Games are $50 EACH - you can no longer afford to go out to dinner because you have spent all of your money on games that your kids play 3 times and get bored with. The only games they WANT are so violent that your Mom STILL wouldn't let you play them. Fifty dollars so your kids can dismember zombies. Captain Kangaroo just rolled over in his grave. Maybe he's one of the zombies.

5)24/7 Cartoons - There are now at least 5 cable channels that show almost nothing except cartoons. How much Spongebob does a child really need? Apparently, a lot because every single second of recorded time on my DVR is cartoons. I didn't do it, but I discovered the fact while attempting to record the Super Bowl, which I was going to miss. Later, they knew EXACTLY which cartoons I had erased in order to record the game. I was chastised by my nine year old for not talking to him before erasing the same cartoons that were being rerun every other week. Someone, with much more power than I, should leave Spongebob out in the sun.

5 Reasons You Should

1)THEY SMILE WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY AND CRY WHEN THEY ARE SAD - in other words, they are emotionally honest, especially with you. No one deserves that kind of trust, and every parent gets it. It is a huge responsibility, but it will give you purpose and meaning in your life that no job, lover or religion can match.

2)SUGARY CEREALS - Eventually you will feel like an adult or your spouse will force you to behave like one. This entails no longer purchasing SugarMarshmelloCinnamonPops and buying Cardboard Flakes instead. Because they are healthier. But if you have kids, you are allowed to have SugarMarshmelloCinnamonPops in the pantry. They are YOURS for the taking, just don't get caught. And no wonder the kids bounce around like super balls after breakfast.

3)THEY WILL EVENTUALLY BE OLD ENOUGH TO MOW THE YARD - I think this one is self explanatory

4)WATCHING THEM SLEEP - Had a bad day. Life getting you down. Put your kids to bed and then watch them sleep. It's better than valium and you won't feel drowsy

5) HUGS - when they hug you, there is NOTHING wrong in the world. This is a mystical thing, hard to believe until experienced. But when those little arms wrap around your neck and they hug you like their very life depends on it, you suddenly know you will never experience anything more real, more pure, more selfless, more honest the rest of your life. And in that instant nothing else matters....the mortgage, the job, the ex and her boyfriend.....nothing. THIS is reason enough to have children.....

Rest in Pieces

2006-02-18T14:51:00.000-06:00

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine _
You look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands

But could you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces

Saliva

Dancing With God

2006-02-10T19:40:00.000-06:00

Usually I find prayer emails pretty lame, but this one struck a chord for some reason. So here it is:

Dancing With God

When I meditated on the word Guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.

I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.

The movement doesn't flow with the music,

And everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,

Both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back

Or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness,

and attentiveness from one person

And gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw "G: I thought of God, followed by 'u" and "i."

"God, 'u" and "i" dance."

God, you, and I dance.

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust

that I would get guidance about my life.

Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings

And mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.

May you abide in God as God abides in you.

Dance together with God, trusting God to lead

And to guide you through each season of your life.

This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached.
If God has done anything for you in your life,

For prayer is one of the best gifts we can receive.

There is no cost but a lot of rewards;

So let's continue to pray for one another.

And I Hope You Dance!!!!!!!

The 30-Minute Wallow

2006-01-14T07:23:00.000-06:00

This is from the "Feel Good Manual". The entire thing is linked in the title.

1. How much time can I waste upon feeling bad? Well, I decided to quantify it. I decided to allow myself a maximum of 30 minutes a day to wallow in my misery (I've since changed it to 15 minutes, and I've only had to use it three or four times since 1999). Wallowing is not a bad thing. Wallowing is necessary. People who don't go into their pain deeply are pretending; what they are doing is glossing over the real pain they feel. It's called 'avoidance'. Remember, pain is mandatory (though suffering is optional). Remember, too, that we only heal pain by feeling it first. If we avoid, we don't heal.
There are many ways in which people avoid feeling their pain, and by doing so, they don't heal it. One is by anaesthetising with chemicals, such as drink and drugs. Another is electronic valium ('EV', or television). There are many others, of course, and I'm sure you are aware of your own avoidance techniques.
A 30-minute wallow is perhaps the most efficient way to heal. A good wallow is not a half-assed cry, or a half-baked self-pity session. Those are just usually attention-getters or avoidance techniques that we have learned.
No, by 'wallow', I mean a deep, full-on, heavy-duty misery session. Go to your room; shut the door; bash the pillows and cry your eyes out if you have to. Go into Chaos. Into Kali, the goddess of all that is dark. Go deeper into the eye of the hurricane than you have ever been before. Feel yourself as you are: one small atom in a Universe that will continue whether you live or die.
Feel your aloneness, your loneliness, your isolation. Feel your pain! This will take you deeper into the core of your being. By experiencing your aloneness, you will become stronger, more independent and more free from aloneness. You will discover that your feelings won't kill you (as your Etch A Sketch being thinks will happen). Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Don't do it for attention. Don't do it to get help from anyone. Don't imagine Mum will get you out of this one. Feel your aloneness. You are alone, you know. I believe that until we feel our aloneness, we can't become whole, we can't heal, we can't take responsibility for our whole lives, and we can't feel mostly good most of the time.
Half an hour of intense wallowing in your misery is better than spreading it thin across 16 hours, because to spread it is like smearing your whole day with muck. Half a cry is like half a movie. Half a wallow is like half an orgasm. (In Sydney, we call that "getting off at Redfern", Redfern being one railway station before Central )
You have probably heard that endorphins (feelgood chemicals in your body) are released by crying real tears. Make use of this fact.
Now, you might say to me, "Pip, I've tried to cry, but I can't. The refreshing tears won't come. I feel dammed and choked up. So it's not a healing exercise for me at all."
I can really relate to that. There are many taboos against crying, and times when it's inappropriate to cry, so our bodies have learned control (sometimes too much control). Imagine if George and Sam were on the 76th storey of a building under construction, and Sam couldn't pass George the hammer because he was having a little weep about his childhood. Not a good look!
Firstly, I would say this. You don't need to cry tears for 30 minutes of intense emotional clearing to work. It's quite optional, in my experience.
Secondly, perhaps by saying "I can't cry", you are telling your brain the wrong thing. Try putting it in the past tense: "Previously I had trouble crying but I'm getting better at that every day". Remember, your brain is listening!
Thirdly, it's important to note that crying, with tears, is a skill, just as laughing is. If you have found crying difficult, your muscles have got weak and temporarily lost their skill. You'll improve! With practice, we improve at juggling, saxophone playing, crying and laughing. There will be more on this later, but for now, ask yourself, "How does it feel when I cry? Which muscles move? What feelings are happening to me, and whereabouts in my body? How can I better get in touch with them? How can I improve my ability to release my cleansing tears?"

The Secret of Success

2006-01-05T05:26:00.000-06:00

“Sir, what is the secret of your success?” a young man asked a famous entrepreneur.

“Two words,” the older man answered.

“And, Sir, what are they?”

“Right decisions.”
“But how do you make the right
decisions?”

“One word.”

“Sir, what is it?”

“Experience.”

“And how do you get experience?”

“Two words.”

“What are they, Sir?”

“Wrong decisions.”

Time

2005-12-28T03:57:00.000-06:00

"Hope is the best and last of all things.
Without it, there is only time.
And time pushes at our backs like a centrifuge,
forcing us outward and away,
until it nudges us into oblivion."

From "The Rule of Four" by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason

"Too

much time on my hands,

it's ticking away with my sanity

I've got too much time on my hands,

it's hard to believe such a calamity

I've got too much time on my hands

and it's ticking away from me"

-Styx

Rage

2005-12-14T22:43:00.000-06:00

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

For My Kids

2005-11-09T00:09:00.000-06:00

Winning is……doing your best.

Don’t ever make excuses.

Don't ever give up.

If you make a mistake……

get over it.

--James Street

I'm Alone With You

2005-11-02T02:39:00.000-06:00

nothing clear

it's not that I'm
afraid
of losing you
there is no reason to explain

unless you're crying,
and I'm alone

still
wouldn't matter
my truth is muted,
deleted from your songs

your sightlines are not shrinking

you just don't see me

unless
it serves you

being alone does not crowd my
thinking
its
being
alone with you

candles burning
vanilla flames

cinnamon fire
slowly heating

melting
will
you see me

alone with you

hearts are burning

blood is rising

pulses pounding

alone with you

candles melting
hearts aflame
pain
searing
blood
rising
rising
pain
not
dying
crying

alone with you.

it's not easy
knowing
nothing
more than
i need
to know

is it clean
or
is it messy
the truth
hidden

the way we like it

can't last forever
you told me
so

i believed you
wanted to
needed to

don't

need to be

alone, with you

ok, she fucked me, good

Don't Look Up...the sky is falling

2005-10-26T22:09:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the world is on my shoulders. Most of the time. Life is not what I thought it would be at this stage. And for the first time that I can ever remember, I can't figure out what to do to fix things. Of course, most of the time over the past seven or eight years, the thing I figured out to do to right the ship were only a temporary fix. I think that is because whatever changes i made were surface level. What is called for is a fundamental change. An adjustment to the structure not the covering...to the skeleton not the skin. It's natural to try and do the same things you are comfortable with...with slight adjustments....and think that the overall picture will change. It won't. I have to tear the damn building down so I can get to and fix the foundation. What the hell does that mean. It means total change.....routines, habits, thoughts, viewpoints and so forth. A daunting task. Questions....where to start, how to start, what are the priorities. I have to break down the structure of my life into pieces, identify what and possibly why they are not working, determine what would work better and then, most importantly, put the change into action. Sounds easy on paper (or screen). It won't be. I need to set some timelines, goals and deadlines and stick to them. I need to not fall back into my comfort zone. I need to push forward even when obstacles cross my path. I need to make conscious decisions and make my actions purposeful.

I can't do this alone.

And so the first fundamental change is fairly simple. Jesus Christ. I can't think of a better foundation....for me, Kim, the boys.....and I have to believe that once the foundation is layed the structure itself will come naturally. When? Now....of course.

opportunity passed?

2005-09-25T12:23:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it happens

And sometimes it happens that you are friends
and then
You are not friends,
And friendship has passed.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself.

And sometimes it happens that you are loved and then
You are not loved,
And love is past.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself into the grass.

And sometimes you want to speak to her and then
You do not want to speak,
Then the opportunity has passed.
Your dreams flare up, they suddenly vanish.

And also it happens that there is nowhere to go and then
There is somewhere to go,
Then you have bypassed.
And the years flare up and are gone,
Quicker than a minute.

So you have nothing.
You wonder if these things matter and then
As soon you begin to wonder if these things matter
They cease to matter,
And caring is past.
And a fountain empties itself into the grass.

Brian Patten

I'll Be Your Mirror

2005-09-09T23:36:00.000-05:00

lyrics by velvet underground

I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand to your darkness, so you won't be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I'll be your mirror

A poem by Maya Angelou

2005-09-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost," Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou.
I was a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow.

~Maya Angelou
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if i had not known you, i would not have found you

2005-09-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

if i had not known you, i would not have found you
hidden like a diamond among the grains of sand hidden like a gold coin in a copper coin world
hidden like a single star in a moonless sky.
you've always been there

in my lonely thoughts
in my faceless dreams
in my yearning soul.
i searched for you from the beginning
and did not know I was looking
and did not see the truth before me
and did not understand what i would find.
i almost lost you before i found you
in the coma of a soma sleep
in the fog of a loritab dream
in the stupor of a benzedrine haze.

Still, I found you, maybe too late
the only diamond in the sand

the only gold in all the copper
the only star in my sky.

Me First?

2005-09-05T11:06:00.000-05:00

Someone needs something. Help them. Doesn't matter if it causes you inconvenience or problems down the road. Help them. Your supposed to be unselfish. A man is supposed to sacrifice for the ones that he loves. Even if it means that his needs go unmet. But, if you are a Co-dependent like me then you don't have a clue what or when to be unselfish or to sacrifice. You give everything, sacrifice anything and for awhile it actually makes you feel better, like you are this incredibly unselfish person, a martyr, a saint. You're not. It's only a survival technique gone horribly wrong. Because suddenly you're alone anyhow, without any concept of your own feelings and needs, and the people you help don't REALLY appreciate the sacrifice you've made for them...do they? So you begin to feel unappreciated, used....but you can't quit the behavior. You're addicted to helping, rescuing, caretaking but it's not making you feel the same anymore. You get angry now, and maybe at first it's just a simmering anger but something will snap and you'll lash out, more than likely at a loved one. And if you're dealing with an addict, they will take it briefly because they do have guilt, but it lasts only a short time and they strike back. And you allow yourself to feel guilty for being angry, for doing too much and strangely, for not doing enough. You wallow in the self pity, at least until another opportunity to "help" presents itself. Then the cycle starts again. You are not really HELPING anyone, yourself the least. You are hurting everyone including yourself. They are not responsible for their own problems, you are. So they don't have to suffer the consequences of thier behaviors.....you do. And in the process you have completely buried your own needs....you own life. Now comes the hard part. You recognize your behavior and keep doing it anyway. How to stop? How to recognize what truly needs to be sacrificed for, how to put your needs, desires, wants....first. Or even, how to recognize what your needs, desires and wants really are.

I don't know. But I need to figure it out really fast.

Choosing Happiness

2005-08-28T12:43:00.000-05:00

When you're two years old, your happiness is created or taken away by the people around you and the events taking place. You begin to be programmed by these people and events, an almost pavlovian response, so that your happiness is never under your control. Gradually as we get older our perceptions of the people and events change and so do our responses, but most of us continue to be reprogrammed and let our happiness be controlled for us. Happiness is NOT something that happens to you. Happiness is a decision. You cannot control the attitudes of the people around you, you cannot always control the events that occur. But you can control your response to both. You can make a decision how to respond. You can decide to be unhappy or even more importantly, you can decide to BE HAPPY. You can take in the attitudes and circumstance, mull them around and then respond any way you choose. It's not an easy skill. It means keeping your emotions under control. Your emotions are a tool. They tell you what is affecting you and how. It would be abnormal to not feel sadness at the death of a loved one, it would be abnormal not to feel joy at the birth of your child but any emotion left unchecked will become destructive. Each of us has a threshold of emotional fullness....a point at which the emotion has taken control of your actions and your decisions are no longer healthy or constructive. The key is to recognize that point and shift the focus away from the emotion and back to rational decision. The Lord gave us "free will". He didn't give it to us just so we could pick out movies at BlockBuster. It's there so that each of us has the ability to overcome the minor and major crisis that enter our lives. He allows us to choose our happiness even when our circumstance would seem to deny us. There have been times in my life when I have been unhappy. Gradually I've learned to make a shift....to accept the negative and simply not be satisfied with the circumstance. With dissatisfaction comes motivation to make changes, and changes are more easily accomplished when your attitude...happiness...is good. The result is that the future always has possibilities, and the past has already been dealt with. All of us have this ability, no matter what happened in your past, no matter what is happening in your present.

Make a decision......

Choose happiness.....

Inevitability

2005-08-26T00:47:00.000-05:00

When an addict is in rehab for the first time, they are told that there are only three possible outcomes of their addiction: Jail, Death or sobriety. And the addict will inevitably tell his/her loved ones of this as if it were a life changing enlightenment. The loved ones will tell their friends how the addict has finally come to his/her senses and thank goodness for the people in the rehab. And then the addict will relapse, if they ever actually had any sobriety in the first place, and then possibly this cycle will repeat over and over and over. And the loved ones will decide that the rehabs were a waste of time, and only introduced the addict to new and improved ways of obtaining and using the drugs through their interaction with others of a similar ilk. The nicely tied package of possible outcomes of the addiction will now be summarily dismissed......because they know there is another outcome, and they are right in the middle of it......an outcome called living hell. But what no one really listened to was that these three things were outcomes not processes and the end result could occur any day or it could occur years and years away. The point being lost? ONE will occur....Sobriety, JAIL or DEATH. The only question is how much destruction, how much lost innocence, how much pain will be caused first.

My Life is a Bubble....so blow me

2005-08-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

Are you inside looking out......or outside looking in?

For a very long time I've felt as if my life was passing without me. I was there for the chaos, the panicked loneliness, the all consuming anger, the sheer disbelief at what it all had become. I was there in the moments...... "take it one day at a time" .....awake for the nightmares. I felt the desperation, the fear and humiliation, the unencumbered weight of thousands of pounds of responsibility.....I felt all this but only briefly; and then I hid from the feelings. To survive, I told myself. No one could bear the burdens I had. This was my rationalization for burying my life, my person, my soul. And after much practice, I would not feel the pain....at least not for very long. I was totally oblivious to the truth......I did not feel the pain but neither did I feel joy, fulfillment, wonder, love. I was not looking in, nor looking out of the bubble. I was the bubble....carrying life around wherever the wind of circumstance carried me. It's difficult to understand it all now. How could I let myself become nothing, a weightless, transparent, directionless bubble of a person. The answer, of course, is "get over yourself you freaking headcase and get on with your life." And so, I am. Life is so interesting in it's simplicity......

Love, Marriage and Drug Addiction

2005-08-23T22:31:00.000-05:00

Being married to a prescription drug addict is kind of like trying to cut your own hair with fingernail clippers ..... you can do it, but it's a lot of work and everyone you know will think you're an idiot for trying. But (and this is where the analogy ends)....but if you love her, and you spent the best years of your life with her and you can get past the inevitable humiliations she will cause you, and you are almost physically pained watching her life disolve around her; if you can keep the anger and frustration from smothering you and for absolutely no rational reason you still have hope for her, for the two of you.....well, then, maybe it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Panthers and Pussycats

2005-08-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you are a Panther.......

Most of the damn time you're hiding somewhere in between.......

And sometimes you're just a pussycat........

Masks

2005-08-20T19:42:00.000-05:00

These are two of my sons. The older one (the handsome one with the long hair) had braces for two years and has been going to a dermatologist for three. The result....fangs and green skin. They'll give anyone a medical degree nowadays.

What is your purpose in life? What is your reality? What are your perceptions? I don't think any of us can answer those questions with any degree of certainty. The solution...we create personas to deal with the vagaries of life. We are one person in one situation and another in the next. We don't consciously change our masks, they change for us, instantaneously. A therapist would call it coping skills. We would think that it is just part of who we are to deal with whatever situation in the necessary manor. It's neither....because we're all fake. We all wear the masks....some of us better than others.

He Said What?

2005-08-20T10:05:00.000-05:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us. It is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~Nelson Mandela

"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
~Pogo

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."
~Olin Miller

"If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?"
~Shantideva

"I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair."
~Alfred Lord Tennyson

"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."
~Theodore Rubin

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."
~Arthur Miller

"Be excellent to each other....and...PARTY ON DUDE!"
~Bill and Ted esquire

Dancing in the Clouds

2005-08-19T16:06:00.000-05:00

She moved like an an angel dancing in the clouds. So young and innocent I almost expected to be arrested for watching her. I had seen her before .....but this time, without warning .....
I fell in love with her.
The instant she looked at me, a million years slipped through the fingers of time. Every instrument in the world played, simultaneously, a single crystal note. And nothing in the universe moved except for her....... For years I felt this each time I looked at her. Now she's gone...been gone for what seems like a lifetime. Who she was, has been swallowed down like a handful of loritabs with a glass of red wine. A slow, melting fog has finally hidden me from her view.
I promise....
I will always love who she was, and who she is now and who she will be in all her tomorrows ....... and I will always remember her as I saw her then ..........because that is how i see her now and always will.......

Childeyes

2005-08-19T04:58:00.000-05:00

When is the last time you sat on the ground and explored through the grass with just your fingers? Finding bugs and bottle caps and on a really lucky day a penny or at least something shiny and metal. When is the last time you lay on your back in your living room and pretended the ceiling was the floor? Sure would be easier to reach the cool pops in the freezer. When is the last time you ate alphabet soup one letter at a time? If you spelled your name first you won the grand prize....coke in your milk!! Do you ever listen to the birds in the morning and the birds at night and wonder why their sounds are different? Do they know the day is beginning or ending or are there just different birds?! When was the last time you smiled at a stranger to see if you could make them smile back? They always will you know. Funny how that works. When is the last time you woke up and popped out of bed landing on both feet? Bet it was a Saturday morning. When is the last time you hugged your mom or dad because, well, you're supposed to hug your mom and dad? Is it too late? Don't worry...they forgive you...because, well, that's what angels do. Any child knows that.